It appears that what you can and cannot put on top of a pizza, is a pretty dicey issue at the moment. I mean, I really couldn’t care less what you put on your pizza – stick Play-Doh on it if you like – what I care about is what goes on my pizza. And thankfully, that decision is down to me, and me alone.
So you know what, stop having a go at what people eat on their pizza – if they want to put the oh-so-controversial pineapple on it, so what? I personally don’t, I think it’s weird, but if you like it, go ahead. If people saw the weird combinations and concoctions I come up with at home, the internet would have my tits for garters.
But no matter what I say, people are still going to get outraged about pizza, and they’re going to do it the most on the internet, which was where pizza was invented, I think. And so to the latest online knicker-twist, which comes as a reaction to New Zealand prime minister Bill English doing this:
What he's done there, see, is put tinned spaghetti on a pizza and then fed it to his family. And you know what, I'm down with it. I used to eat those baked beans pizzas on the reg, and this isn’t really too far from that, is it? You can put spaghetti in a pasta bake – that’s sort of the same, right? I would eat the arse right out of this – my wife and kids wouldn’t be getting any of it!*
Either way, the online pizza warriors have come out in full force and made known their disgust:
Tinned spaghetti on pizza? Why not serve a side of taking-a-shit-on-Michelangelo's David?— Thanos ate at Olive Garden (@josephdevon) April 5, 2017
Everyones worrying about Trump being an unstable leader but NZ has a PM that puts canned spaghetti on pizza— Tom W (@TomFW99) April 5, 2017
"Tinned spaghetti" it itself sounds ungodly and on a PIZZA?? If Italy was dead it'd be turning in its grave— john wayne ? (@doitbackwards) April 5, 2017
And while we’re here, it's also got pineapple on it, if you can see, so people are getting on their high horses about that, too.
Is pizza news the most boring kind of news? Yes, when it involves people crying about what someone else puts on their pizza; no, definitely no, when the news is that the pizza man is outside my door. Then, it is the the most un-boring news imaginable.
But yeah, moral of the story: grow up and let the man eat his stupid pizza in peace.
*Because it is impossible for abstract notions to eat pizza.