Your dad can eat the hottest curry on the menu, can’t he? And so can you. You and your dad, ordering the hottest curry on the menu, eyes locked, fake smiles plastered across your show-off faces, guts warbling like a pot of ratatouille on a stove, resolutely not enjoying any part of it, regretting everything.
Then, it’s you and your dad, a week later, walking into Morrisons, heading straight to the curry aisle, and both clapping eyes on the ‘Volcanic Vindaloo’ and fucking getting it, because never has a lesson been learnt betwixt the two of you.
Yeah, you’ve gone and got Morrisons’ new £1.50 vindaloo, which is supposedly the hottest supermarket curry ever made. It contains the Naga Viper chilli, which reaches a staggering 1,382,118 on the Scolville scale, whatever that means (essentially, it’s 200 times hotter than a jalapeño).
Sean Gill, Morrisons’ resident ready meal expert (alright mate, we’re all ready meal experts), said:
“Curry fans have been telling us that they just don’t get the fiery heat they want from ordinary ready meal curries.
“So we decided to take up their challenge and create the hottest ready meal in the country – something with the extreme heat you get when you order a vindaloo in your favourite restaurant.”
The reason behind this stupidly hot new dish is because it’s national curry week this week, isn’t it, and brands like to capitalise on arbitrary celebrations - so hey, here’s a new really hot curry that will not be enjoyable to eat in the slightest.
Morrisons say that you’ll still be able to taste all the flavours of a traditional vindaloo, which are usually marinated pork, vinegar, ginger, sugar and chillies, which in this case will definitely be so overpowering that the first part of this sentence will be entirely redundant.
Either way, they also warn that children under 16 are not allowed to eat it, which is a great clue to how tasteless and devoid of enjoyment this gross tub of pain will be.
“Grow up, it doesn’t even hurt!” you say, as you eat it, “If anything, it’s cold!”
No, you are a liar - you are not enjoying this - you have succumbed to an elaborate publicity stunt and you are currently in a lot of pain. Well done you. You and your dad are the best.