It’s Christmas now, everyone, and regardless of what you think about it, we’ve got to deal with it. We have to put up, or shut up - Santa Claus is in your house every day now, and he’s eating your cheese, going through your bins and stamping on your cat. Christmas is here, deal with it.
But there’s one good thing about Christmas, guys - do not forget this - for we are now able to make use of the special edition, wicky-wicky, wham-bam McDonald’s festive menu. This is a great opportunity, and the only thing that Christmas is good for, in my humble and very correct opinion.
So you’ll probably be wanting to know what’s on that menu, yeah? What is it that will be dribbling down your hungover chest as you eat it in bed, crying, as one hand twists the sheets in an overly aggressive embrace? Well, I’m here to tell ya, so pop that tongue back in your gob, you snake, and drink this in:
Beef and Cheese Feast
That’s beef, topped with bacon, cheese, lettuce (dunno why), red onions and a healthy dollop of cheese sauce, all jammed into a flour-topped snowflake bun. Then forced into your mouth, where it’s smashed to pieces before slipping down your gullet and settling in your ravenous gut. You are now complete, and I applaud you.
Also, 833 calories there, for Christmas. There’s your Christmas present. HAPPY CHRISTMAS FROM RONALD MCDONALD, THE CHILD-FATTENING CLOWN FROM HELL.
Christmas Chicken Warmer
Two lovely old chicken selects there, topped with a stinky slab of cheese, fire roasted red pepper sauce, slivered onions, a wonk of mayonnaise and lettuce (dunno why) in a glazed, sesame-topped bun.
Oh yeah, and it’s only 560 calories, which is nice if you want to *think* that you’re watching your *weight*.
Cheese Melt Dippers
Uuuuhhhhhhh, split one of these apart and drip that glistening cheese into my gaping maw - I want it now, and I want it forever. Camembert stretching all over my stupid face, my eyes closed in ecstasy, absolutely screeching bloody murder. I love Mcdonald’s! I shout, as I am kicked out.
Terry's Chocolate Orange McFlurry
Tap it, unwrap it! They used to say, but you don’t need to tap OR unwrap this, because it’s already been funneled into a creamy mixture which you can suck up through a straw, if you try really hard. Suck it all up like a greedy vacuum cleaner, you lazy Hoover - suck all the cream into your lungs like a malfunctioning anteater. YOU HAVE SUFFOCATED ON ICE CREAM AND ARE NOW IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS FOR BEING THE DEADEST PERSON EVER!
Spiced Cookie Latte
What is a spiced cookie? I hear you toot through my tin-can telephone. Well, I don’t know, but I assume it is some sort of cookie, with spice on it. And in this case, it has been blended into a coffee? I don’t know, I don’t really drink coffee. Is it a milkshake? The picture looks like it, don’t it?
This means Christmas, according to McDonald’s - remember when you unwrapped your first spiced cookie drink when you were just a little nipper? Boiling hot liquid scalding your still-devoloping hands, stunting their growth for evermore? Ah, the memories!
Related: giving coffee to very young children is funny and should be encouraged.
This is a coffee, much like the one above, but instead of spiced cookie, it’s got toffee in. Put toffee in anything, I say. Put it in the turkey, put it in the roast potatoes, put it in the gravy, put it in your actual eyes and I will still eat them. Pour it all over your wet scalp and I will still devour it, skin, hair and all, and I will love every sticky second of it. This is Christmas! REJOICE! PRAISE BE TO JESUS AS I EAT THE TOFFEE SKULLS!
I didn’t realise that McDonald’s didn’t already do a hot chocolate. I guess this is because I don’t drink hot drinks in public - I have cut them out of my life because they make me sweat. They make my hair go all slimy and I look like a newt, emerging from a swamp - this is not a good look, I have found, and I still do not know to this day, why I used photos of this incident for my Tinder profile.
Anyway, at Christmas, McDonald’s do a hot chocolate which you can either drink, or pour down the back of your own neck if you are feeling particularly cold on the bus in the morning.