Food & Drink

The hottest curry in India is coming to London

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Gary Ogden
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The hottest curry in India is coming to London

The thing I like about going for a nice meal out is the great taste of all the food in my mouth. The lovely feeling I get inside my skull when I plop a juicy morsel of grub onto my steaming tongue and crunch it down, eyes rolled back. Just really enjoy the pleasure and complete lack of pain that comes with going to a restaurant and eating some nice food. Can’t get enough of it, if I’m honest.

So, like, if it well hurt or something, I probably wouldn’t do it anymore. If the literal act of eating made me cry out in pain, I would find alternative ways to survive, I would email God and ask what he was on when he designed me. Pleasure, not pain, cheers.

However, maybe that’s just me, because some people enjoy eating very hot things until their mouths feel like they have a thousand pins in them, a thousand red-hot needles poking into the tender skin of their lips and jutting into the roof of their mouth, their eyes streaming with tears of discomfort, their fists gripped to a 100,000 psi. These people have specifically gone to a restaurant and paid actual money to feel intense agony in their mouths. Here’s a tenner, punch me in the face.

If that’s you that I’m talking about - although I may never understand your life chances - I have some info that you might be interested in. 

Popular curry joint Masala Zone is introducing a new limited edition menu called ‘Some Like It Hot’ that will consist solely of disgustingly spicy dishes for you and your steel mouth. Contained on the line up is an Andhra chicken curry, a fish curry, and aubergine dish with whole chillies, and the infamous Saoji lamb curry, which is supposedly the hottest in India. 

My mind boggles as to why you’d put yourself through this - don’t lie, you are not enjoying that, it is not “quite cold, actually”. But the big boys among you are gonna do it anyway, aren’t ya? Put a nice shirt on, do the collar right up to the top, then pop your actual head in the middle of a restaurant because you thought you were Billy Big Bhuna. 

Go for it, no skin off my mouth - I’ll be over in the corner, eating my korma, in the bath, which I’ve filled with yoghurt. Got a Mini Milk in my bag for afters, too.

So, if you fancy slamming your red head into the centre of a volcano for no reason, then you can catch the molten menu at Masala Zones from Thursday February 1st until Thursday February 22nd. Have a good one, you weirdo.

(Image: Masala Zone)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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