Food & Drink

Terrible lies: a Harvard professor has revealed we should only eat six chips per portion

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Gary Ogden
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Supposedly we should be exercising ‘portion control’, whatever that is

The optimum number of chips on a plate is: the most. You should always have a stupid amount of chips when you get chips, because too few chips is the worst feeling in the world. Too many chips is not, because you have eaten all the chips that is physically possible, and that is the whole point of chips. Also, that way, you have leftover chips that you can revisit one-by-one, whilst groaning. Never get a small portion of chips, you dickhead.

So the news that a Harvard professor has revealed we should only be having SIX chips per serving, is clearly a travesty of the highest order. It is wrong, a lie, and actually, is extremely dangerous, if anything.

Eric Rimm, a professor and tiny-stomached baby at the departments of epidemiology and nutrition at the Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, says:

“There aren’t a lot of people who are sending back three-quarters of an order of French fries.

“I think it would be nice if your meal came with a side salad and six French fries.”

For me to eat just six chips with my meal they would have to be ten feet long and the width of a car

Also, this man is talking about American chips, or fries - the ones that are even smaller and thinner than our thick-cut chips. Imagine six McDonald’s fries on a plate. It’s like six toothpicks on a roundabout. It’s utter, utter horseshit of the smelliest order.

The reasoning behind Dr Rimm’s maniacal advice is based on a study in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, first published by the New York Times. The report basically said that if you eat fried potatoes two to three times a week (aka you are a legend), you have a higher risk of mortality compared to those who eat sallod or whatever it’s called.

He terms fries “starch bombs” and gives this as the reason you shouldn’t be eating so many. But then again, he also needs to get a grip and grow up because six chips is the equivalent to a very aggressive punch in the face. 

I will have my one hundred chips. I will eat them off my chest. And I will be violently sick for the entire hour following my meal. If you think there’s something wrong with that then you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the chip-shop window.

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(Image: Getty)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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