Food & Drink

Introducing the 'Donug', your new favourite food

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Gary Ogden
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Today, in stupid food that is pointless and dumb yet needs to be in our mouth immediately

Oi, so what is nice? Donuts are nice, ain’t they? You know what else is nice? Chicken nuggets. A nice donut and a nice chicken nugget, booted into the sky and then landing in your large, open gob - what a goal! 

Thing is, it’s hard to catch two flying projectiles in your mouth, let alone one, so why not increase your chances of succesfully choking on some lovely, greasy, foul junk food by eating a single ‘Donug’?

Yeah, you know how sometimes you’re sitting there, and you suddenly jolt upright and a bit of spit comes out and you blurt out “A DONUT AND A CHICKEN NUGGET BUT IN THE SAME PIECE OF FOOD? YOU MUST BE OFF YOUR SOCKING ROCKER!”? You know when that happens, but you just put it down to one of your “episodes”, and you sit back in your chair, chicken nugget in one hand, donut in the other, and you kick them up, and only one hits your teeth?

Well, now you can finally slot a bit of much-needed validity behind your outbursts, and at the same time avoid staining your living room carpet with jam - that’s because a ‘Donug’ is a cross between a donut and a chicken nugget. It is both of those things, but it is one thing, and it will snugly smash into your agape maw like the edible missile that it is. The tasty, tasty rocket.

A man who likes putting things into other things (ZOINK), called Crag Carrick is behind the - yes, genius - idea. 

He’s originally from Scotland, but now lives in Australia, and has secured backing for the Donug through the TV show Shark Tank (the Aussie version of Dragon’s Den, basically - they don’t have dragons in Australia, remember), and now the crunchy monster is ready to stuff down that neck of yours. 

Pick it up, squeeze it into a ball and thumb it down your gullet while gently wheezing through your nose. Hold it in both hands, lie on your back with your legs in the air like a big baby, and bite into it, delicious grease spraying forth from the side of your mouth like you’re an angry camel or something. Eat it, eat it, eat it.

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The Donug - which you want, don’t you - is made of free range chicken, topped with a cornflake and panko crumb crust before being deep fried. 

Then, because it’s not a meal unless something is dribbling down your chin and onto your crotch, you can slather the little fucker in a choice of three sauces: hot chilli (oh god yeah baby), a cheesy Dijon béchamel (oh goodness oh hell oh kiss me hard) or a Japanese curry sauce with mozarella (ugh ugh uuuuurrrr what IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE). Just think of all that juice soaking into your jeans, you mucky, mucky boy.

The Donug is currently only available in Australia, but there are immediate plans to bring it to the UK, where it’ll be on sale for a measly £5. Just one fiver is all you need to exchange for the intense feeling of a donut made out of chicken forcing its way onto your tongue and getting royally punked between your rabid teeth, before slipping down your body, adjacent to your spine, and nestling in your stomach, finally at home. 

Only five actual quid to hoick one of those crsipy demons right into your trap like a starving hippo. Licky licky, chompy chompy, dream achievy.

(Image: Getty)

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Gary Ogden

Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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