Want to know how important eggs are? Well, let me put it this way: how many other foodstuffs are regularly put after the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as a judge of character?
With that in mind, I’m not entirely sure how people ever put up with substandard eggs in their life. It’s simply not good un oeuf.
That’s right, egg puns. Sure I’m going to get panned for that one, but I’ve hatched a plan to fit even more yolks into this before I’m done.
Now, I’m sure you all have your favourite ways of preparing eggs, and you might even be happy to shell out (sorry) for someone else to do it.
You probably think it’s all down to personal preference, but you’re wrong. So very wrong.
To show just how wrong you are, I’ve provided you with a definitive ranking of eggs, from worst to best.
15. That fake egg made of yoghurt and a slice of peach
Not an egg. Actually quite upsetting.
14. Faberge eggs
Not edible, but if you happened to stumble across one lying in the street - as you do - you could sell it for loads of money and but real eggs with it, which makes this better than the above.
13. Haribo fried eggs
Again, not an actual egg, but passable as food.
12. Cadbury Mini Eggs
Too small. Also still not an egg.
11. Creme Eggs
At least there’s a yolk of sorts, but you wouldn’t serve it on toast… or would you? No.
10. Hard-boiled eggs
If you order a bacon and egg sandwich for breakfast and the egg is hard-boiled, you’re legally permitted to smash the windows of the café. Probably.
It’s still better than no egg, but not by much.
9. Scotch eggs
As above, but the non-egg part elevates it ever-so-slightly. Especially those chorizo ones.
8. Soft-boiled eggs
My editor likes to mash up soft-boiled eggs and serve them on a crumpet with some ham. My editor is a five-year-old child.*
That said, the traditional manner of serving a soft-boiled egg – soldiers, for dipping – is both delicious and somehow respectful to the war dead.
*Editor’s note: Fuck off Tom, this is actually really good as an alternative to poached eggs when you just can’t be arsed with them. You still get the runny yolk without any of the stress. Try it.
7. Easter eggs
Not an egg, but chocolate. And massive.
6. Kinder eggs
You get a toy! And the brief joy of feeling young again, before remembering you’re a 30-year-old man eating a Kinder egg and then somehow everything feels worse than before.
5. Fried eggs
I know what you’re thinking. Surely the egg part of the classic fry-up should be right at the top. I get why you’d make that connection, but you’re wrong.
Do you order a fry-up for the egg? No, that would be stupid – you order it for the marriage of all the ingredients in the same place, even if there’s still debate over whether they all belong there.
There’s nothing inherently bad about a fried egg – the yolk is runny, it still tastes of what it’s supposed to taste like and it can liven up a bacon sandwich – but there are better options out there.
The most versatile of your egg options. Sure, you can fold other types, or fill other types with fillings, but you can’t do both even nearly as effectively as with an omelette.
Even if you don’t even like eggs that much, you can pad it out with an entire block of cheese or a full meal and make it look from a distance as though you’re just topping up your protein intake for the day.
Oh, and before you say anything, a frittata is just the convertible of omelettes, so consider that part of the same entry.
3. Baked eggs
Baked egg dishes are among the best egg dishes around, but how much of that is down to the accompaniments?
I’ve made a difficult decision and ruled that, while shakshuka and eggs in purgatory are delicious mostly because of the non-egg component, they’re a great deal better with baked eggs than the same ingredients would be with the fried equivalent.
I’m also now craving baked eggs.
2. Scrambled eggs
Logic dictates that scrambled egg – by not having the same versatility as an omelette – shouldn’t be higher on the list.
Maybe it’s down to the texture of what’s basically the same thing being improved by the slower cooking method, or maybe it’s down to the frankly unsafe amount of butter people tend to chuck in there, but scrambled beats omelette every day of the week.
1. Poached eggs
I know, I know, every time you’ve tried to poach an egg it’s come out watery and limp and the yolk has solidified. The thing is, that means you can’t cook eggs, not that poached eggs are bad.
They look good, they taste good, and they’re invariably drowned in hollandaise to make egg in an egg jacket, or eggception. The poached egg is the Leonardo DiCaprio of eggs, and if you disagree you’re… well, you’re entitled to your entirely valid opinion.
(Images: Alison Marras/iStock/Rex Features)