Food & Drink

The Tab Clear of coffee has arrived and it won’t stain your teeth

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Gary Ogden
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Not sure if you remember Tab Clear, but if you do, it’ll probably hold a special, retro place in your heart. Tab was Coca-Cola’s diet offshoot, and back in 1993, they introduced a clear version, because, you know, the nineties. Obviously it was all very exciting, because it was clear. It lasted less than a year, also obviously.

Anyway, fast forward to 2017, and another clear drink launch is on the horizon; in this case, it’s coffee. And because it’s 2017, it is called CLR CFF, because vowels are no longer cool. Your mum likes vowels.

This time around, there’s an actual reason for the colour change. That’s because, as you’ll no doubt be aware, coffee is brown, and if you drink a lot of it (which you do, you jittering maniac) it stains your teeth. But not anymore, because it’s clear, isn’t it?

A post shared by Clear Coffee (@clrcff) on

You can now drink as much as is humanly possible and the only potential downside is a heart attack.

It’s been invented by two brothers who were fed up of parading their sepia teeth around the joint, so started experimenting with new, revolutionary techniques of treating high-quality Arabica coffee beans.

Of course, it’s not exactly like coffee – it’s cold for a start – but it’s still caffeinated, and will carry a taste not too dissimilar to strong cold brew coffee, so it’s perfect for summer.

Price-wise, it’s not exactly chips-level, with two 200ml bottles going for £5.99, but then think about the last wad you dropped on a fancy artisan coffee at that snobby hangout down the road and it’s not so bad.

The price you pay for sparkling pearlies eh?

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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