As a wise man once said, “Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup, mustard, chili sauce, tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment which destroys the original flavour of the dish”.
There are many ways in which the United States’ 243 years of independence have seen it move in line with parts of the rest of the world. Cuisine is not one of them.
This is, of course, the country that brought us Man v. Food. The land where a combination of waffle batter, a stick of butter and liquid smoke is considered outrageous but not unrealistic. The part of the planet where someone made a 101-cheese pizza to prove a point to a mutant ninja turtle.
We have trawled the internet for the most American foods possible. And let me tell you, until now we didn’t realise your arteries could hurt just from looking at something.
1. Deep-fried Big Mac
A conundrum: You can’t improve on the classics, and yet any food can be made better by coating it in breadcrumbs and deep frying it. So what happens when you deep fry a classic?
2. This Bizarro Combo Meal
Chicken? Good. Fries? Good. Soft drink? Good. Whatever this is? Not so much.
3. Deep-fried Snickers Wrapped in Bacon
Sure, Scotland’s infamous deep fried Mars bar might seem good, but this has the capacity to kill you more quickly.
4. Pizza-topped pizza
Because you can’t spell ‘tomato, cheese and pepperoni pizza’ without ‘inception’.
5. Boston cream donut burger
A cheeseburger in a glazed donut is so passé – you can get one of those anywhere these days. But a Boston cream donut? That’s more like it.
6. Six-bird roast
Meat, meet meat, meet meat, meet meat, meet meat, meet meat, meet headache as we try to read that sentence back to ourselves.
7. KFC Double Down
Heard you’re still using bread for your sandwiches like an idiot, and not replacing it with fried boneless chicken. Do you even America, bro?
8. Deep fried butter on a stick
Just because you can eat something doesn’t mean you should.
9. Firework Oreos
Because nothing says ‘Murica like fireworks. These are just popping candy inside an oreo, rather than actual rockets or Catherine wheels, but it feels like only a matter of time before someone goes the whole hog.
10. Deep-fried pig’s head
Speaking of the whole hog…
11. Doritos Locos Tacos
12. Deep-fried avocado
Think how many deep fried houses you could get for the price of that.
13. Hot Beef Sundae
Kill it. Kill it with fire.
14. PB & J Grilled Cheese
Okay, but why?
15. Pizza-flavoured ice cream
It’s difficult to tell whether this is more of a slight on pizza or on ice cream. Obviously we’d still try it.
16. Red Velvet Corndog
At this stage I’ve just started making up increasingly ridiculous food combinations fully expecting them to exist in America. And you know what? They do, every single time.
There is no God.