Food & Drink

A pizza made of fried chicken might soon be in your mouth

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Gary Ogden
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You know that niggling feeling you get when eating a pizza? The one that makes you say, out loud, into the ether: “Yes, this is nice and all, but why on earth is the crust made of bread?” It happens to us all, but an end to the problem has finally been devised. There have been many long years of invention and ingenuity - we’ve put cheese in a crust, garlic sauce in a crust, even a massive sausage slid its way inside one, but none have solved the predicament to a satisfactory level.

Step forward, the Philippines, and a creation that would give Frankenstein a run for his money in the insanity stakes. They created the KFC Chizza, a beautiful monstrosity that shares a lot in common with a mermaid; in that it’ll make you fall in love with it, then it will murder you. 

Basically, it’s a deep fried butterflied chicken breast, covered in pizza sauce, cheese, ham, pepperoni and (if you’re an unhinged maniac) pineapple - then, because there’s no such thing as too much cheese, they slop a load of extra cheese sauce over the top. Next, the inhuman hell-egg is cooked, served to you, and as you slide it down your gaping maw, it assumes the form of a symbiont and slowly turns your insides into pure lard. Of course, all this is immensely enjoyable, much as irresponsible recklessness often is.

Removing pointless bread from a pizza altogether has proved so popular that KFC have now introduced it to Singapore, which is presumably in a state of mass hysteria as this most wonderful of abominations brings about the end of the country as a functioning land mass.

It’s been around in the Philippines for a while now, but its introduction to Singapore can only mean they’re rolling it out in new territories available for conquer, so hopefully we’re next. Calorie information is hard to pin down, but considering KFC’s Double Down (a bacon burger which uses fried chicken instead of bread) was around 540 calories, expect Satan’s pizza to harbor even more. Fingers crossed.
 

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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