Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski on Saved by the Bell were hot shit. They were the couple we all aspired to be. Cute kids with blonde hair and lots of chill and hot accents and crop tops and acid jeans and that kind of fizzy-soda love that’s just like… Oh, man. What a rush.
But it didn’t last according to former Saved By The Bell exec producer Peter Engel who, when quizzed, told TVLine: “Well, they’d be married — but not to each other.”
Engel slashing up our childhood memories is one thing but I guess that perfect balance of hotness was doomed from the start: nobody makes it out of American high school in one piece, least of all slouchy heartthrobs with a lack of respect for the rules of a fictional Palisades town.
Anyway, obviously, after the series ended, the characters married young and it was super cute and cool - the priest was all “And if anybody knows of a reason why these two…” and Mr. Belding bursts in like “"Hey, hey, hey, HEY, HEY! What is going on here?" and everyone just falls about laughing like “Belllllding!” and there’s a guy with a keytar for some reason. But then it all got fucked up and they just split after twenty-one months and got on with their lives. You seen the movie Boyhood? It ends up exactly like Boyhood.
It got us thinking: what happened to the rest of our idols? What became of couples of our childhood?
Tim and Dawn from The Office
She escaped the clutches of a borderline abusive fiance! He escaped the cl-- No, I’m not sure he escaped anything really. They run off to the Algarve for a week and it’s great but they come back and it’s like the ending of The Graduate but in Berkshire. They’ll always have That Kiss but this is not a relationship that is built to last. It is too grey and gloomy. It is a love built on boredom. A castle built on paper. They drift apart after a few months, occasionally bumping into each other at the big Tesco’s on Wellington Road. You know, the one by the main road? Yeah, there. He pops in for big bags of crisps and Shandy Bass and those microwave kormas, she’s in there for loo roll mostly now that she’s back with Lee.
Sabrina and Harvey from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
They’re young, they’re fun, she’s a witch. It was a classic combination culminating in Sabrina calling off her wedding with Aaron and running off with Harvey, her soul mate, at 12:36, which is the time of day they first met. That kind of attention to detail is simply unsustainable - a bit like when you accidentally hit your first Christmas with a new partner a little too well, Clive, and it’s doomed to fail from there. They’re married now and she does a little magic on the side, but the MAGIC of the RELATIONSHIP has long since gone.
Ren and Stimpy from Ren & Stimpy
Ren died. Yeah, he’s dead. His heart simply exploded one day, like an egg in a microwave. Stimpy just wanders around aimlessly now. It’s quite depressing actually.
Rosie and Jim from Rosie and Jim
They’d had a few drinks, got a bit wild. Rosie flicked back her long hair and knocked a kerosene lamp onto the sherry soaked carpet of the boat. The interior burst into flames. They escaped to the banks and looked back just one, fire lighting their stitched faces, before running off into the reeds hand in hand. Tootle died that night, Duck too. But Rosie and Jim, they’re still out there. Some nights… Some nights, under the cool silver glow of the moon, you swear you can still hear Duck. “Waaaah!” he cries. “Waaaaaaaaah!”
Ross and Rachel from Friends
Everyone knows that Ross accidentally murders Rachael one Christmas Eve - she was about to open the cupboard in which he had hid all of her as-yet-unwrapped presents and he pushed her, she fell - and then ran off to Peru. So, Peru: Ross is on the run in Peru.
Doug and Patti from Doug
Doug Funnie and Patti Funnie-Mayonnaise are happily married in Bluffington. They have two children and their dog Porkchop, who is somehow not dead yet, and Doug’s a nervous wreck only able to express himself through his semi-successful writer and Patti works for the police or something. She told him to write more and he felt inspired and now Doug’s stories are getting sexier and sexier and are all about Patti and it’s disgusting. The “mayonnaise” metaphors only get more intricate and horrifying.
Fred and Daphne from Scooby Doo
Fred and Daphne live in a commune with all the creepy amusement park owners, attempting to wean them off inexplicably anti-commercial hoax haunting campaigns with neckerchief workshops.
T.J. and Spinelli from Recess
They’re happily married with kids of their own, kids who get up to shenanigans just like their parents did at their age! “Remember when Miss Finster psychologically abused us as students by putting us in The Box? The good times we had. Remember how she was finally arrested and they shut that whole school down?” TJ asks his wife. “That whomped.”
She laughs like someone chainsawing a metal deckchair in half, and speaks only through electrolarynx. “Yes,” she says.
Clarissa and Sam from Clarissa Explains It All
Both in jail.
Brum and The Owner of the Museum Where Brum Lives from Brum
(skip to 1:41)
Brum and Tootmwbl live a quiet, peaceful life in the countryside now. The sex has suffered since Toot’s repeatedly-shutting-his-penis-in-the-car-door fetish damaged both man and vehicle but they’re still best friends. And that’s the main thing, isn’t it?