I’m sorry to say this, but we all know it’s true: Your mum loves Tom Hardy more than she loves your dad. In fact, she probably loves him more than you. IN FACT, your dad probably loves him more than you. Either way, this one is strictly for the mums, with Tom Hardy’s impossibly successful stint reading bedtime stories on CBeebies continuing this Mother’s Day.
He’s done Valentine’s Day (which your girlfriend watched while you sat in the bedroom with a rose in your mouth) and he also did one on NYE (which your girlfriend watched while you sat next to her, eyes narrowed down to slits, boring into Tom Hardy’s beautiful face, hating him, despising him, yet desperately wanting to be him, a single tear immediately flicked from your cheek before your girlfriend could see it, a futile gesture if ever there was one, as she was fully, unwaveringly focused on Tom, wanting him, needing him, thinking to herself “I’ll give my terrible boyfriend one more chance, and if he pulls that fucking rose in the mouth trick on Valentine’s Day again, he’s outta here.” Let those tears flow, my friend. You will never be Tom Hardy).
Anyway, he’s back and the UK will grind to a halt this coming Mother’s Day, as he sits back and lets his weird, geographically-ambiguous voice hypnotise the nation’s mums by reading There’s A Bear On My Chair by Ross Collins.
The story, about a mouse who has to remove the titular bear from the titular chair, is probably inconsequential, as nobody will really be listening to it – they’ll be in a trance, won’t they? Not the type of trance people slip into when you’re telling one of your stories, but the nice, warm, Vaseline-on-the-lens type of trance that gets people pregnant with mysteriously-accented children.
He’ll be heating the crotches of the nation on CBeebies on Sunday 26 March at 6.50pm. Mark your diaries, everyone.