Sure, you know all the names of the current Islanders, but what about your faves from last year? What of their preferred moniker? It’s all dust in the wind! You’ll never remember!
As you’re probably quite aware, thank you very much, a television programme called Love Island is on at the moment. It is unfathomably great - it is men and women on an eight-week-long exhausting catwalk, fiercely flashing themselves about in a desperate attempt to be memorable, like they’re the cuddly toy on The Generation Game conveyor belt.
Then, if they’re lucky, they get to have a big old shag on national TV! If they’re not, then it’s tears, runny make-up and storming out of bedrooms to sleep on the couch galore - this runs every emotional gamut you could ever hope for.
But what happens when it’s all over? Do you forget about the people you spent the summer with, the people who gave you all that unbridled pleasure? No, you remember them all, don’t you? You remember each and every single one of them, don’t… ya?
WELL IF YOU DO WHY DON’T YOU NAME ALL OF THE CONTESTANTS FROM LAST YEAR’S SERIES YOU LARGE-HEADED LIAR:
It's Tyla Carr!
Who's this then? Having a laugh at you, thinking you'd ever be fit enough for the Love Island villa
Her name, please? WHAT IS HER NAME?
It's Simon Searles!
Who's this bloke, a man whose body could fit two of yours inside?
It's Chloë Crowhurst!
Hello! Your name? Absolutely no idea mate! NOT A CLUE!
It's Craig Lawson!
Remember this guy? Got his name have ya? KNOW IT, do you? Put your money where your gob is then, Mr Big Pants
It's Jessica Shears!
Standing in front of a big fan, it looks like - oldest trick in the book! Anyway, enough about classic photography techniques, what's her name?
It's Chyna Ellis!
Someone's turned the fan on a bit strong here - poor lass is pinned to the backdrop. If only you knew her name so we could tell the emergency services!
YO! It's Alex here, the apparent quiet one from Love Island, me and Kem are gonna be at Nubu nightclub on the 29th it's guh-na go OFF
Who is this man, staring deep into the very depths of your soul? Who does he think he is, Eyal or something?
It's Rob Lipsett!
This bloke? £1000 if you get his name right. Only joking of course, that is a ridiculous amount of money for guessing a name correctly. One in four chance, mate, you wouldn't deserve it
It's Camilla Thurlow!
Who do we have here? She's so stressed over the fact that you can't remember her name, she's pulling her hair out. Someone get Vidal Sassoon on the blower!
It's Georgia Harrison!
Who've we got here? Someone that only knows half of the 'I'm a Little Teapot' dance, that's for sure
It's Nathan Joseph!
Very stern, this one - hands in pockets, hard face - he's gonna do you in if you've forgotten his name, which you have. Prepare to be done in
It's Harley Judge!
Who's this? A strong man from the circus? You are tasked with designing the poster, and if you don't get his name right, you're fired!
It's Amber Davies!
"Ssshhhhhhh" she says, "Shhh, because I will not continue to talk to you until you remember my name." "Goodbye," you say, "Goodbye, because I appear to have misplaced it."
It's Kem Cetinay!
Very popular, this guy - you should really be able to remember his name. But then again, you should be able to remember to do your flies up, and you walked all the way to work with them down the other day, so who knows
It's Shannen McGrath!
And what about this lady, who's just answered the door in her dressing gown? She fancies the postman, so if you look closely you'll notice she's let it fall open - that'll teach him, in his sexy shorts
It's Steve Ball!
This man could quite easily be a bad liquid robot in a Terminator sequel. Don't think he was though, otherwise you'd have remembered him, right? Pinning one of the contestants to the fridge through their mouth with a big metal spike? You'd remember something like that
It's Marino Katsouris!
Two things that will happen after you've looked at this picture: 1) Your arms and chest will feel very inferior, and 2) You will be unable to successfully place this man's name
It's Olivia Attwood!
Does scratching your head ever actually work with memory recall? I don't think it does, does it? It's a weird thing we all do. Anyway, she's obviously forgotten her own name, so it's up to you to tell her
It's Danielle Sellers!
Either she's also confused and is scratching her head, or there's a nasty case of nits about that Love Island promo shoot studio
It's Jonny Mitchell!
Very relaxed, is this man, and you know why? Because he's going to absolutely sock you a new butthole when he realises you don't even know what his name is!
It's Ellisha-Jade White!
Here's a brainteaser for you, if we were to ask what this person's name was, would you a) know; or b) punch yourself in the side of the head so hard that a bit of pink stuff came out the opposite ear?
It's Montana Brown!
She's mid-way through a dance, it looks like, a memory dance in a vain attempt to jog yours into remembering her all-important name. DON'T MAKE HER DANCE FOR NOTHING!
It's Amelia Peters!
Look how disappointed Sarah* is that you can't remember her name (*real names have been changed to protect the innocent)
It's Chris Hughes!
That love heart he's doing with his hands, there, that's going to change into two big fists in a minute, and you know exactly why
It's Muggy Mike Thalassitis!
Who's this leaning tower of beefcake? You could get a photo of yourself standing in front of him pretending to prop him up - that would be original wouldn't it? Shame you wouldn't know what to put on your Insta caption though, because you don't even know his name. Real crying shame, that
It's Gabby Allen!
Imagine being James Bond, and that ginger bloke has a big laser pointed straight at your whip-whops, and he says he's going to slice them off unless you can remember the name of this woman? Would you leave there, pants fully-stocked or would you have to ask for a doggy bag?
It's Jamie Jewitt!
Have you ever seen a sterner face? I'd hazard no, no you have never. Why so stern, you may be wondering? Well, it's probably got something to do with this being his birthday party, you being invited, then you brazenly forgetting everything about his name. You've kicked his teeth into the trash, you bastard. One tooth for every bin.
It's Sam Gowland!
Look into this man's teeth for too long and you'll turn to stone, which, to be honest, is preferable to finding yourself in a social situation whereby you have to introduce him to anyone by name
It's Dom Lever!
Oooh, ouch. Look at this poor bloke with his stiff neck. Wowchy. You had better go and collect his medication from Boots - all you need is his name, and you can pick them up. You've got that, right? Can leave it in your hands? Great, knew we could count on you
It's Marcel Somerville!
This guy's twigged it, ain't he? Look at him there, giving you the side-eye - he knows what's up. And what's up is you have lived up to your nickname 'Mr. Forget Your Name', and you've forgotten his name. You're like a broken record - change the goddamn track!
it's Theo Campbell!
Long quiz this, ain't it? Like, when I came up with the idea, I thought "Well, maybe there'll be like 13 contestants, so 13 questions - I can bang this out like nobody's business" but no, actually there were 32 people on Love Island last year. 32 people! That is so many! Like, most quizzes start to cap off at around 10 or 12 questions - it's the perfect length, you may say - it's really not that often that you see one with 32 questions, because people get bored. Still, I'm banking on the popularity of Love Island to push the reader through, because otherwise I've absolutely wasted my time and this quiz will be a failure, something which will probably come up in my annual review (along with everything else, Christ), so for me, it would be great if people stuck with it and just finished the quiz. I think it's quite a fun one! Anyway what's his fucking name
If you got 32/32 you are a terrifying maniac and need to be locked up