TV

How to become a television hunk

Follow these steps and be instantly attractive to millions of women

Have long, tousled hair

Stand on bleak hilltops to allow said hair to dramatically billow

Have two stares: 1) The thousand-yard stare, which indicates a depth of emotion which you would never actually show as it’s too unmanly; 2) The meaningful stare, which, when directed at a woman, indicates imminent raw passion, or if directed at a man, indicates imminent raw violence

Ride a horse. Preferably a stallion

Get injured. Scars look cool, and suggest life struggles, which only the love of a woman can truly heal. Injuries also allow you to take off your shirt so you can show off your body and be mothered by the female lead – even though you’re far from a little boy, you’re a really massive man. Vulnerable brutes go down pretty well

Be supportive of gender politics, despite the heavily misogynistic brutality of the oppressive era your show’s set in

Be provincial

Be a virgin, who requires a more experienced woman to show you the ropes. Importantly, you must then turn out to be a proper all-night animal in the sack with no premature ejaculation concerns at all

Never use cutlery

(Images: BBC, Rex, All Star)