Love Island is over, everyone, and I absolutely, positively do not actually know what to do. I am at work, currently, typing this, so I’ve got the next couple of hours sorted, but then what am I supposed to do? What do I do when I get home? I mean, I’ll eat something, but that’s, like, 45 minutes tops. Then what? What do I watch? I don’t even have First Dates anymore, and this series of Ex On The Beach is shit – I am utterly distraught. I’ll end up doing something weird like buying a copy of War and Peace and colouring in the closed spaces on all the letters in the entire book. That’ll pass the time, won’t it. THAT’LL PASS THE TIME UNTIL NEXT YEAR OH GOD HELP ME.
Actually, no, I know what I’ll do: I’ll follow all the Love Island contestants on social media and live vicariously through them as they go about their lives on the outside world. That’s what I’ll do: Love Island continues, but now it is Love Instagram.
But hey, how long are all the couples actually going to last? Sure, they pretty much all said they “loved” each other in the villa, but that’s a vacuum-sealed sex-box that eats emotions, gargles them about in its mouth and has now finally hocked them up into the wild. How will things work now?
I WILL TELL YOU, ACTUALLY.
Here is how long I think all the relationships will last in the actual, literal real world
[Disclaimer: I am a vaguely human automaton with a heart encased in concrete and entirely incapable of real human emotion]
Tyne Lexy and Harley
Supposedly this is a thing, but I do not think that this is a thing. Both contestants have posted Instagram posts of “dates”, but you know, I once posted a picture of a fat pigeon with a gammy leg, and I am not going out with a fat pigeon with a gammy leg. I wish.
My prediction: Harley will remain faithful and “stay humble” and Tyne Lexy will do it with Jonny, won’t she.
Chyna and Jonny
This is now “official” – Jonny, the man who surgically removed Camilla’s heart, loaded it into a trebuchet and launched it, still beating, into the Balearic sea; and Chyna, the woman who done a snog on Kem behind Amber’s back. I would say: yes, this is a good match. However, I feel like Jonny’s new-found fame is going to go straight to both of his heads and he’ll be putting it about like a fucking dandelion in a hurricane.
My prediction: Jonny will get himself a shag in with Tyne Lexy after a night in DSTRKT, and Chyna will “romp” with someone on TOWIE and end up as a cast member.
Three more weeks.
Tyla and Muggy Mike
This is already over, right.
My prediction: We shall talk no more of this sham.
Georgia and Sam
Yeah, they were both the “funny” ones – leaping about the villa like a couple of baby gazelles with fireworks up their arses, so they worked in the moment, on the show. But as I’ve said, that villa is like a giant hermetic snow-globe – only instead of soap flakes floating about, it’s a swirling cloud of sex-batter – so it’s completely different to the outside world. Now they’re out, and there’s no £50,000 carrot dangling in front of them, I reckon they’ll sack each other off and enjoy their fame. And of course, by “enjoy their fame”, I mean “rut with things in regional clubs”.
My prediction: I feel like it may already be over. Sam is going to go absolutely sick on the club appearance scene and place his penis inside anything that is a little bit warm – like, he’ll have had sex with at least 300 women by the end of the year. Georgia will similarly go completely spare, and for the rest of the year it will be entirely impossible to go to any club in, I don’t know, Penzance, without seeing her on stage with some sort of T-shirt gun or something.
Jess and Dom
Jess blato shagged Muggy Mike – this I will never go back on. They left the villa, Mike with those punishing, piercing, deadly blue eyes, Jess with that hypnotic swagger and all-conquering sex appeal; they hit the strip, had a jug of woo woo and probably a Skittle bomb or something shit, then headed back to the hotel and did a nice big shag.
But hey, credit to Dom for believing her, and he’s with her now, seemingly in an open three-way relationship with their photographer. I really liked Dom, but I don’t think this is going to last, somehow.
My prediction: Jess will bag her own make-up line and Dom will land a protein shake deal, and as soon as that happens they’re going to drift apart. There’ll be too much else on their minds. Also, you do NOT want to get protein shake and blusher mixed up, trust me.
Montana and Alex
As everyone knows, Montana is the best – she doesn’t give a shit, basically, and I can get behind that. I imagine she’s the kind of person who would be drinking a coke on the sofa watching a movie, and if she spilled it all over her top, she wouldn’t do anything about it until the film had finished. Again, I can get behind this.
Alex, on the other hand, is simply a very beautiful ant – very strong, but you wouldn’t hear him if he was in your kitchen. As such, Montana the loud, vibrant legend, will grow tired of jumping out of her skin every time she suddenly realises Alex is in the same room as her. Imagine finding Alex in your attic, you’d have a heart attack.
Their relationship was purely sexual, too – both highly attractive, horny people, rutting like hares in a cotton tent. This will happen more on the outside, sure, but it doesn’t have legs, unlike both Montana and Alex, who have great ones, if you’re asking.
My prediction: Montana will meet someone hot and funny, like her – maybe Joel Dommett or someone, or maybe me, I don’t know, and only then will she experience a true combination of raw, carnal sex-appeal and dynamic, witty humour. If she got with Joel anyway.
If she got with me, she’d experience a true combination of very hot, near-constant and worryingly precarious farts and a thick, ever-present coating of Wotsit-dust. Either/or, Montana, make your choice.
Alex, on the other hand, will see a surge of interest in his personal training business and hook up with a celebrity client. Someone off MIC probably. Maybe Louise. ZAP!
Three more weeks.
Gabby and Marcel
Marcel is the toppest of top blokes – he did pretty much nothing wrong apart from that naughty snog he did in the other villa, and everyone liked him all the way through. He was the agony uncle, the rap-god, the man of the house, basically. I was extremely pleased for him when he met Gabby after getting highly parred by everyone on the first episode.
Gabby did even less wrong that Marce (apart from that weird text about Montana taking over her “role” – didn’t really get that), and was also well-liked by all the contestants. Her relationship with Marcel was going all the way to the winners’ podium, as far as I could tell.
Then the lie-detector test happened. Gabby was asked if she was looking forward to having sex with Marcel, and instead of answering like a normal person, she basically went “Cooorrrr, do I! Gee-whizz, I tell you, having seee-yexx, woah baby, I love it! Zippa-dee-doo-dah I cannot wait! Woooo-weeee!” I didn’t buy it, and neither did the lie-detector. This threw the entire thing off course, and the whole relationship was called into question.
So yeah, I don’t see this one lasting now, particularly once Blazin’ Squad get back together, start touring and all the groupies come a-flocking. It’s gonna be tough for Rocky B to resist, particularly if it’s a year later and he still hasn’t had sex with Gabby.
My prediction: Gabby will admit that she’s not fully into the relationship, and go off and do her own thing – maybe she’ll set up some sort of truther movement and tour the country smashing up lie-detectors with a baseball bat. Of course, Marcel won’t mind because he’ll be doing one of the small tents at Wireless and there’ll be a queue of 30-year-old women looking for a rut, as well as advice on what to do when someone’s completely mugged them off even though they were 100% their type on paper.
Olivia and Chris
Obviously, Chris is the greatest human to have ever lived, so I wish nothing but happiness on him. He clearly really loves Olivia, and that is the kind of thing that warms my heart like only something such as the fact that cats clean up after they’ve had a poo, can do.
Olivia – sure, I wasn’t a fan of her to begin with, what with all the shouting and the sunglasses that were so big they could eclipse the sun, but in the last couple of weeks it’s all changed. I’m fully on board with Liv now, Lovely Liv, Likeable Liv, Liv, Laugh, Love. And I also reckon it’s legit – her picking Chris over Muggy Mike was one of the greatest things to have ever happened, I practically fried an egg on my tits my ribcage was so hot.
Yes, Muggy Mike might be “dicksand”, but Chris is surely a dick black hole, so should Liv ever stray or have doubts, the gravitational pull of his penis will be so fantastically strong that it’ll suck her in, no matter where in the galaxy she is.
My prediction: They’ll stay together, do the gossip mag tour, have a healthy social media following, appear on Lorraine, etc. Olivia will bring out a range of over-sized sunglasses that can be detached and used as parasols, and Chris will release a song with Kem and Stormzy called ‘Everyone In This House Fancies Me’. They will hopefully stay together for a long time, I believe in them.
A year, minimum.
Camilla and The Hair Man
Out of all the finalists, this was the only couple not to go “official”, and I respect that. You can’t love someone after a few weeks, can you? I mean, I will happily declare my undying love for a tube of sour cream Pringles almost straight away, before we’ve even had sex, but that’s not a proper relationship. Camilla and Jamie (or The Hair Man, as I called him early on when I couldn’t remember his name) have refused to do this, and I think that’s good. Very adult of them.
They also seem to genuinely like each other – maybe Camilla a bit more than Jamie, but it’s still reciprocated to a pleasing level. If I’m honest though, I really have no idea how long this will last – Jamie’s answers in the final interview were a tad apprehensive, but then Camilla’s never really committed to him either. This could go either way, but I hope they get together because Camilla’s done enough crying to fill a thousand sour cream Pringle tubes.
My prediction: They’ll date for a minimum of a month, and then they’ll either stay together until Camilla realises that Jamie’s actually only read three books and it was all a ruse (three books is the entire Library of Congress in the Love Island villa), or they’ll go their separate ways early on, Camilla breaking up Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, and Jamie going on a shagging tour of Marbella.
A month (minimum), probably six months altogether.
Amber and Kem
The winners of Love Island 2017, aka the greatest televisual extravaganza to ever hit the country’s screens – the final survivors, the winners of 50 grand, the owners of nice hair, the public’s darlings. Amber, despite being the most attractive girl I have possibly ever seen, was not my favourite for most of the show, but towards the end she pulled me back in, her vagina-sand (I don’t think I can say that, can I) drawing me in like a sexy electromagnet. She seemed genuine, even though I didn’t buy it for most of the series.
Obviously though, Kem, woah Kem, I’ve been on your side every step of the way – consistently one of the funniest and most watchable housemates in there, well done. Also, you know he’s obsessed with Amber – I don’t think Kem’s got the nous to fake a relationship – he’s pretty much a tiny, vibrating can of Ronseal.
I think they deserved to win, and if any couple can genuinely make it, it’s this one. They’ve both said they love each other, even if it did have a Year 2 playground feel to the whole exchange every time it was said – they may as well have said “wuv” each time. But they’re still both young and haven’t come to realise that love is a social construct that means nothing and doesn’t actually exist – it was created by the government to distract us from Stonehenge, or something. Bless them.
My prediction: I really, really hope this’ll go the distance. I reckon they’ll be the Alex Bowen and Olivia Buckland of this series: they’ll move in together almost instantly and then suddenly get engaged way too early. I however, will be happy for them, because they’re a bit of a perfect match, I rate.
2 years (minimum), hopefully forever and ever
Chris and Kem
WHEN THE WORLD SUCCUMBS TO THE APOCALYPSE, AND THE PLANET IS REDUCED TO A SCORCHED WASTELAND, ALL THAT WILL BE LEFT ARE THE COCKROACHES. THE COCKROACHES... AND KEM AND CHRIS. THEIR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT BE STOPPED, IT TRANSCENDS TIME AND SPACE. WHEN THE INTERGALACTIC WAR OF 9057 FINALLY DESTROYS OUR BARREN PLANET, AND THE INTERDIMENSIONAL OVERLORDS FOLD AN ENTIRE SECTION OF THE GALAXY IN ON ITSELF, PRODUCING A VORTEX THAT BETRAYS EVERY SINGLE LAW OF SCIENCE AND RATIONALITY, KEM AND CHRIS WILL STILL BE THERE, RAPPING NAKED IN A SHOWER OF MOONBEAMS. WHEN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS EVENTUALLY SUCKED INTO ITS OWN CORE, WHEN THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING LEFT, A VOID INCAPABLE OF LIFE, UNABLE TO HOUSE EVEN ANY PHYSICAL OBJECT – AN UNFATHOMABLE ENIGMA OF ULTIMATE ABSENCE, A TRUE VACUITY OF NOTHINGNESS, A CHASM OF EMPTINESS – AFTER EONS OF PURE ABSTRACTION, BILLIONS OF YEARS OF UNDISTURBED SILENCE, QUIETLY, THE FAINTEST OF SOUNDS WILL EMANATE ACROSS THE GULF OF EXTINCTION:
“Act like a wasteman that’s not me…”