Here are the people who HAVE to be the next Great British Bake Off presenters

Posted by
Paddy Maddison

As fans of The Great British Bake Off will no doubt already be aware, things are seriously kicking off in the world of cakes and buns.

The show is moving to Channel 4, having been unable to agree a fee with the BBC, but not it seems with long-time presenters Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc, who have said they won't be "following the dough".

So with this dream team heading for pastures new, who could replace them? And what might happen if an unexpected new presenter was to come onto the scene?

Well wonder no more...

Jeremy Clarkson

Hijinks that will ensue:

Yes, Clarkson making a grand return to the Beeb. The contestants all look towards the entrance of the tent in unison as the roar of a V8 engine can be heard quickly approaching. Before you can say ‘racial discrimination lawsuit’ an Aston Martin bursts through the wall of the marquee. Clarkson proudly steps out, slams the door, and booms “Now THAT….is a car!” Feeling hungry from his grand entrance, Jeremy demands a hot meal from the show’s producer and upon learning that there are only cold sandwiches available, punches him in the face. Richard Hammond looks on giggling and films it on his mobile phone.

David Cameron

Hijinks that will ensue:

Keen not to sign on the dole just yet, Cameron begrudgingly accepts to present the series. After a solid start and good ratings, he's inexplicably managed to build a sort of robotic rapport with the contestants, and he appears to have earned the respect of the judges too. That is until week 4. The Challenge? Pork pies. Upon the mention of the word pork Cameron turns a dark shade of beetroot and stutters “I’m terribly sorry but I think I need to leave”, before hastily exiting the marquee.

The Chuckle Brothers

Hijinks that will ensue: 

Having been a tad short of work in recent years, Barry and Paul eagerly accept the invitation to present the UK’s biggest baking show. You can cut the sexual tension between Mary and Paul with a dessert knife. However, things quickly descend into chaos when the comic duo drop each of the contestant's cakes onto the floor after trying to pass them to each other in a ‘to me, to you’ type fashion. “Oh dear, oh dear oh dear”. 

Lady Gaga

Hijinks that will ensue: 

The judges and contestants are growing weary of Gaga’s antics, as week after week she comes onto the show wearing outfits made entirely from baking related goods, themed according to week’s challenges. Things reach breaking point by week 6 when the bakers must prepare a variety of different pastry. Gaga rocks up in a filo bikini which has begun to drop to bits well before the halfway point. Needless to say, Mary Berry is far from impressed.

Conor McGregor

Hijjinks that will ensue: 

Before appearing on his first episode of Bake Off, McGregor goes live on television to openly trash talk Mary Berry. Excited viewers place their bets, adamant that Conor is going to knock Berry out, probably in the first round of bakes. However, as the contestants begin baking their second batch, Mary Berry delivers an astounding strike to McGregor’s jaw, sending him crashing to the floor defeated. Paul Hollywood lifts her arm into the air as she screams “I’m not surprised motherf*****!!” The crowd goes wild.

Kim & Kanye

Hijinks that will ensue:

After agreeing to co-host the program on the proviso that the name be changed to The Great Kanye Bake Off, the duo arrive at the Bake Off filming location with a full film crew in tow. Kim wanders off with her camera crew shooting her every move, and Kanye goes to speak to the contestants. Having watched a few of the contestants bake fairy cakes, Kanye climbs up onto the counter and exclaims “Yo yo yo stop the program. You are now witnessing the greatest baker in the world. I am a genius, man. Ain’t nobody gona bake a better fairy cake than Kanye”. He proceeds to bake a series of very average fairy cakes which for some inexplicable reason, everyone loves.

Jeremy Corbyn

Hijinks that will ensue:

After being commissioned to present the series, Jeremy Corbyn openly voices his support of puff pastry. He’s subsequently slammed by the press for his "anti-shortcrust views". Owen Smith immediately holds a rally in support of his Bake Off skills in central London, forcing traffic to a standstill. Meanwhile Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood launch a campaign to remove him from the show. The Guardian run an article claiming it was actually Corbyn's fault that the Bake Off moved to Channel 4 in the first place.


Adam Richman

Hijinks that will ensue:

Richman can’t contain his excitement at being chosen to host a baking competition. No sooner has he entered the arena before he is piling a 30” plate up with all of the bakers' ingredients. He proceeds to sit down at the camera crew’s table and eat the lot of it in 15 minutes flat before standing up on his seat, holding his plate above his swollen head like a trophy and screaming at the top of his lungs while everybody claps and cheers. Man wins.

Bear Grylls

Hijinks that will ensue:

The first episode is just about to commence filming when Bear Grylls tears through the ceiling, landing in a Spiderman style pose as his helicopter flies off into the distance. He then grabs a piece of flint from his rucksack, crouches on the floor, and turns to the camera: “Out in the wilderness, you don’t have ovens to bake your cakes. One trick I learned in the army is to use a piece of flint.” The contestants look on in confusion as Bear lights a small fire and begins roasting beetles over it. After he’s had his fill he turns to the camera again: “Now that we’ve had some protein we need to find the nearest water source and follow it upstream.” Hollywood looks aghast. Bear sprints off into the woods, never to be seen again.


Share this article


Paddy Maddison

Paddy is a freelance writer with a penchant for menswear, music, pies and beer. When he's not busy putting his Northern fingers to keyboard, he can be found around London complaining about the cost of things.

Other people read

More from TV

More from Paddy Maddison