I don’t watch Game of Thrones for much the same reason you didn’t watch Game of Thrones when it first came out. Because, at a glance, it looks like some straight-to-Warhammer toss for dreadful nerds. Seize the hard-drive of any greasy LARPer, and – in among the lovingly curated folders of fake celebrity nudes – you’ll find at least six or seven spec scripts for shows that are virtually identical to Game of Thrones. An over-indulgent medieval fantasy that is equal parts impenetrable plotting and psychosexual perversion.
Then, gradually, one by one, you all got picked off, convinced to become a fully-fledged fan by an argument that goes something along the lines of: “It’s just great, well-made, Home Box Office, prestige television! It’s not nerdy, honest! It just happens to have dragons in it! Dragons and tits! You don’t have to be a nerd to watch a show that’s got dragons and tits in it, jeez, open your mind.”
Not me, though. I have been immune from this Game of Thrones plague, for two reasons:
Reason one: I hate the medieval times. I once read, or maybe misremembered, that the dark ages were such an unenlightened time that human progress actually regressed. I have no interest in verifying the accuracy of this claim, because I hate the medieval times, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s true. I grew up in Wales, and if you grow up in Wales, 90% of all your school trips will be to some medieval ruins, and you will be shown round those ruins by a fella surrounded by flies and wearing some rusty chainmail over scabby beige ‘medieval’ clothes stained with mud, and this fella has a lob-on for the medieval times, and so he will gleefully regale you with all the practices people were so fond of in the medieval times, and those practices seem to mainly be ‘eating turnips out of a ditch and immediately catching some now-extinct disease that causes your tongue to squirt pus’ and ‘having your eyes burnt out and your testicles squeezed through your ears if you so much as look at another man’s turnips.’ To me, the medieval times are characterised by squalor and cruelty, and seemed no fun at all, and so the idea of watching a show that revels in both of these does not appeal.
Reason two: It doesn’t seem fun to be a Game of Thrones fan. If Newton was still knocking about, he’d surely observe another of his Laws which states that ‘Someone Going “Did Anyone Watch Game of Thrones Last Night?” Is Directly Proportional To Someone In The Immediate Vicinity Screaming “OH MY GOD, NO SPOILERS” And Dashing Their Head Against The Nearest Surface, Hoping To Render Themselves Unconscious Or Else Dead Before Hearing Some Vital Tidbit Of Info From The Most Recent Episode Of Game Of Thrones.’
And yet, as far as I can tell, these ‘spoilers’ usually amount to not much more than some character called Grimble or something saying “We must go West”, or there being a dragon at some point, or the blonde character blinking slightly more times than usual. Apparently, every minute detail of Game of Thrones could be a spoiler, and therefore you have to keep completely up to date with every episode, because otherwise accidentally coming into contact with a tweet that simply says “OMG….. GRIMBLE!!” is enough to ruin their enjoyment completely.
I do not want to watch Game of Thrones in case it turns out I actually like it, and therefore become one of these people, adding a layer of stress to my everyday that I absolutely do not need.
Reason I am caving and watching an episode of Game of Thrones: Literally everyone except me watches and loves Game of Thrones, and must devour every single Game of Thrones article online. Every time we post something about Game of Thrones ‘fan theories’, we have to hire a team of external IT guys to come and tend to our servers, and they just stand around making concerned faces, anxiously pointing to violently shaking pressure gauges and occasionally announcing “she’s gonna blow,” before evacuating the building. Therefore, it is my professional duty as a content-maker to watch Game of Thrones and provide you the theories you so desperately crave.
All the fan theories from Game of Thrones devotees will be clouded by how immersed they are in the lore of the show. Sometimes you need a fresh perspective, a perspective completely unsullied by other fan theories, by pre-existing prejudices, or by any knowledge whatsoever. Reader, let me help you understand Game of Thrones by watching the last episode of Season 7 (‘The Dragon and the Wolf’) and deciphering the clues. Basically, I am doing this all for you.
Annoyingly, a ‘last time on Game of Thrones’ recap at the start gave me some context for the rest of the show. The obvious takeaway is this eerie little teen saying she puts on ‘faces’ like Snapchat filters and “becomes someone else”. If I’ve got this right, and I very possibly haven’t, this means she could be anyone in the show at any time, albeit on a considerably smaller scale. My hot tip is to watch out for whenever a character seems shorter in a scene, as it’s probably this mischievous tyke incognito.
At first I thought “this guy looks like Will Ferrell in the bit in Anchorman where he has a breakdown in the street and drinks all the milk”, but then I thought harder. A lightbulb went off. “He looks like Rob Delaney.” The woman on the right looks like Harpo Marx.
“That’s not a theory,” you complain. Yes it is. In theory, this guy could be Rob Delaney in prosthetics, even though a cursory bit of research shows he is played by someone called ‘Rory McCann’.
Then there’s a bit where he calls this hideous grey-helmeted man “brother”. Could it be that this brother is definitely Rob Delaney? Yes, I reckon so. That will be a delightful surprise for Game of Thrones fans no doubt.
Dunno what the foreboding, “You know what’s coming for you, you’ve always known” could relate to, but presumably: a career transition from ‘funny tweeter’ to ‘an actor in critically acclaimed sitcoms’.
This guy was obviously evil. If it’s taken seven seasons for characters in the show to work this out, they are dumb as fuck. He’s an advisor with shifty eyes and he speaks in a conniving RP voice, saying stuff like “Are you sure we can trust them, sire?” and “Might I suggest another plan?” These are big, vibrant, waving red flags with Textbook Duplicitous Right-Hand Man written on them. If you’ve watched any fantasy, ever, you’ll know all advisors act in extremely bad faith, and will meet a grizzly simpering end, with them pleading on their hands and knees going “Please! You must trust me!”
Therefore, you definitely shouldn’t trust this sneaky little perv:
This is him listening to two characters bang through a door. Seriously deviant behaviour. And what’s more, near the end of the episode, it was (I think) revealed that these two characters are related. He’s aural-dogging two relatives. Disgusting. And what’s even more, he spent the entire episode meeting with a load of people of all different factions, pulling the strings behind the scenes and effectively setting up this incestuous rendezvous. Is the ‘Game’ of Thrones actually a reference to the brand ‘pick-up-artistry’ as made infamous by how-to-deceive-women-into-bed handbook The Game? Is this sneaky little perv acting as some sort of cupid-meets-Will-Smith’s-character-in-Hitch-meets-Textbook-Duplicitous-Right-Hand-Man, a puppet master setting up romantic entanglements to sate his disturbed fetishes? Is the ‘Game’ (of Thrones) just an elaborate kink, by which dynasties rise and fall depending on whether the sneaky little perv ‘ships’ you? In my opinion: yes.
Granted, I’ve only seen one episode, but over the course of 80 mins (which, for a TV show, is obscene by the way) there’s about 100 different characters on screen, and they all seem to have the same four surnames. ‘Snow’, ‘Targaryen’, ‘Stark’ or ‘Lannister’. There’s even a bit at the end where this kid hallucinates some stuff, and it turns out one of the Snows is actually a Targaryen.
The characters also all seem to say stuff like “our brother”, “our sister” and “our father”, even to characters who don’t seem to be related at all, making it completely unclear whether they are referring to a shared relative, or talking about their own relative but in the second person. Maybe everyone is everyone’s relative in Game of Thrones. In fact, I’m going to say, confidently, now: they are. In the final season, it will soon be revealed that everyone is related, and the sneaky little perv has been making them all fuck this whole time.
In Game of Thrones, having no dick gives you super-strength. Consider this scene, in which this sappy guy ‘Theon’ gets in a fight with this other, much bigger lad. He’s getting completely battered, until the much bigger lad starts kneeing him in the groin, and to his surprise, there’s nothing there. (This was the one part of the show I broke my no-context rule and did some auxiliary research, googling ‘does theon have no dick’. He doesn’t.) Anyhow, every time he gets kneed in the space where his dick used to be, he gets more powerful – even though you’d imagine this would still hurt quite a bit, dick or no dick – and ends up nutting the other guy to death.
And so now consider the episode begins with two soldiers having some banter about having to fight alongside ‘cockless’ eunuchs. “You wouldn’t find me fighting in an army if I had no cock. What’s left to fight for?” Says one. “Gold?” Replies the other. “What do you think they spend the gold on?” The first, more cock-dismissive guy retorts. “Family?” “Not without a cock, you don’t.” “Maybe it really is all cocks in the end…” the second guy muses, coming to an epiphany.
Now, if I’ve read enough Game of Thrones headlines correctly, literally every line in the show has more significance than you think, and I think this is the most significant exchange yet. Think: if you don’t have a cock, you are immune to the sneaky little perv’s Game (of Thrones). You are not swayed by base, carnal desires like lust and fucking your relatives. In fact, as noted, you cannot even start a family, which means you can’t create any kids that will end up fucking each other. Plus, you get really good at headbutts if someone knees your dick stigmata. I predict this will play out in a big way come the final season.
What is wrong with this character?
First off: she entertains a bunch of her rivals on her shithole island, makes plans to murder them all, and then – apparently out of a good faith pact – inexplicably doesn’t, but then later in the episode reveals she plans to renegue on this pact, then take over her rival’s land while they’re busy fighting zombies, and then kill them. This is, frankly, idiotic double-crossing. She should have just killed them there and then when she had the chance, rather than this extremely convoluted alternative.
Second off: why can’t she open her mouth? She speaks entirely through gritted teeth and it looks incredibly painful for her jaw.
Third off: she’s got a very paranoid vibe about her. Now, given everyone in Game of Thrones is either trying to fuck one another, or fuck one another over, or both, it’s probably wise to cultivate a healthy degree of paranoia, but – and it’s just my opinion here – having so much that you willingly alienate literally everyone seems excessive.
Erratic decision making? Jaw perma-clenched in a rictus gurn? Excessive paranoia? She’s been on the eccies, the Colombian marching powder, and probably a healthy cocktail of other dubious medicines.
This anemic boy says he has become the ‘Three-Eyed Raven’, which means “I can see things happening in the past, I can see things happening now”, a wonderful special ability that is essentially: having a memory and working vision. He then has a ‘vision’, which reveals that Jon Snow is actually a Targaryen.
This boy is clearly an example of what my GSCE English teacher would call – and then look very pleased with themselves for calling – an ‘unreliable narrator’. He’s off his nut. You absolutely shouldn’t believe this apparently crucial plot-point when it’s been revealed by a little lad tripping his balls off.
It is becoming increasingly apparent this show is one extended Talk To Frank campaign, with a side order of advocacy for chastity.
You see these ‘White Walkers’, apparently a legion of dead characters, resurrected to stumble about in a zombified haze, having recently recruited a dragon that destroys a gigantic wall with its icy breath? You need to read up on the side effects of Spice, mate, and then talk to Frank.
Right, let’s establish what I may or may not have incorrectly established so far: there’s a character who can ‘become’ other characters with their face; there’s a character who drives the plot with hallucinated visions; dead characters can come back, but as zombies; and everyone’s double-crossing one another to win the Game of Thrones.
Individually, all of these things have the potential to be exploited in the most infuriating plothole way possible, but together it’s a recipe for the show to produce some absolute bullshit in the final season.
My theory is that all your lovingly thought-out, meticulously researched, achingly considered fan theories are going to be undone when the show completely fucks you over, and it turns out that certain scenes that illuminated info on your favourite character are null and void because they were just a teenage girl in disguise; that nobody has died and can ever die; that the entire Game of Thrones is just a supremely addled boy’s acid dream; and that you’ve just spent eight seasons and literal days of your life watching different family members bang each other.