Firstly, if you’re not watching First Dates Hotel, then you are a dangerous, untrustworthy human, and I want nothing to do with you.
With that out the way, I can communicate with only those privy to the second best show on television (the first being First Dates, obviously), and talk to you about this week’s episode. If, by some extremely unfortunate and frankly dubious chain of events, you somehow missed it, then I’m here to tell you: you need to rectify this immediately and watch it this instance. You need to do this because it contained my single favourite person in the entire show (including the main, non-sunny one)’s history.
A man called Griff. This man:
A man not very good at dating, but a good man all the same. You see, Griff is 26 years old, very good-looking, has a relatively stacked body, but had never been on a date before - he chose to pop this proverbial cherry on national television, which was either a terrible, or an extremely very fantastic idea.
For although he has the looks of a Matt Damon/Ed Skrein type, he also unfortunately has the voice of an Alan Partridge/Richard Ayoade/Josh Widdicombe hybrid (by his admission, it must be said). Essentially, he was partially deaf as a child, and speech therapy subsequently gave him a voice that didn’t necessarily match his face (again, by his own admission). I’ll let him explain:
Essentially, Griff proceeded to have an extremely awkward date on all accounts (although it certainly wasn’t entirely his fault) - misplaced comments about one-night stands, questions leading to unfortunate answers, stories about tattoos better kept to himself and hoooo boy, deathly silences galore.
All I want in this terrible world is for Griff to be happy. I also want to be his mate, because he is the greatest man to ever appear on the series, and I feel his warm heart might be able to revive my cold, dead one, even just a smidgen.
And just think of the laughs - I mean, bask in the glory of this absolutely perfect display of comic timing:
I watched that five times last night and laughed until I coughed up what tasted like blood.
Griff is back next week, too, and by the looks of things they’ve matched him with someone a bit further up his street. I will not watch anything else until next Monday. GRIFF FOR CLASS PRESIDENT!
(Image: Channel 4)