TV

10 signs you’ve watched too much The Apprentice

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Andrew Dickens
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Watching television, as we can attest to, is a fast-track to becoming a rounded and valuable member of society; but there are side-effects. To help you decide if you've become a little too involved with this year's The Apprentice, we've compiled a list of telltale symptoms. 

The Apprentice continues on Wednesdays at 9pm on BBC One

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice

    Adding suspense

    When you get home at night you try to create an atmosphere of suspense for your girlfriend — have you returned or not? — by sending the dog in first and then pausing before you walk through the door.

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 1

    Dissecting your life

    For every two hours of your life, you have to spend another hour discussing it in front of a live audience with a presenter, a journalist and some people who, last year, did what you did in those two hours.

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 2

    Increased insecurity

    You take a little wheelie suitcase with you to work every day, just in case you get sacked.

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 3

    A painful loss of grammar

    You begin every sentence with, “I personally believe myself that…”

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 4

    An even more painful loss of adjectives

    You find that the extent of your vocabulary’s adjectives is limited to “brilliant”, “fantastic” and “stunning”, with the occasional “absolutely” or “literally” if you’ve used the others too readily earlier in the day.

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 5

    Diffusion of responsibility

    You won’t make anyone a cup of tea unless they say, categorically, for the record, that it was their idea to have a cup of tea and if the cup of tea happens to be below standard then they are responsible. However, if the tea happens to be amazing, you insist on taking the credit.

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 6

    The complete loss of dignity

    If you offer to make them that cup of tea and they say no, you shed all traces of dignity and beg them for the chance to make them a cup of tea, saying that, while your tea may not be perfect, you have the potential to be moulded into exactly the kind of tea-maker they want.

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 7

    Oversharing

    Whenever you describe a friend or colleague, you talk about what they’re like “behind the scenes”.

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 8

    Second face syndrome

    You spend all day slagging off your colleagues before giving them a hug as you leave in an empty gesture of “all’s fair".

  • 10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice 9

    A penchant for dramatic farewells

    When the pub closes and you’re asked to leave you thank the landlord “for the opportunity” and refuse to make eye contact with anyone else in the room.

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Author

Andrew Dickens

Andrew Dickens is Special Projects Editor at ShortList. A veteran of eight years on the magazine, he makes up for his lack of pace by having ‘an extra sentence’ in his head. Twitter: @andrewdickens Instagram: @andrewdickens

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