Germany. England. Belgium. Wales.
If we're honest, we have no idea who's going to win Euro 2016. Not a bloody clue.
Every nation seems plagued with a critical, tournament-ending weakness: sure, England have got more attacking options than Rooney's had hot dinners from hot grannies, but we're lacking in tested defensive grit. The Spanish are rebuilding, the French are, well, French, and the pomp of the Germans was recently deflated in a 3-1 loss to Slovakia.
To see how the rest of Europe were fancying their chances, we took the opportunity of asking an array of nations at the recent Champions League final in Milan. Were they confident about their own chances? How did they rate England's squad? Did they know that Jamie Vardy was having a party?
Walter the waiter
I don’t know… Germany? Now, they’re the best in Europe... but I hope Italy.
Do you think England stand a chance?
England are a good team: they have Jamie Vardy, Kane. It’s very difficult – but I prefer Italy. Belgium is a very good young team, Hazard, Courtois. England is very good, but defence is a little bit [Italian hand actions]… It’s a very young team. I don’t know.
Luis (Spanish), Coolio (Turkish) and Sjors (Netherlands)
Nationalities (respectively): Spanish, Turkish, Netherlander
Luis: The winner – Spain! Where is Holland?!
Coolio: I think maybe France could be champions because their squad is really good, they’re hosting the championship. Also maybe Belgium can be a surprise. I think Turkey will pass it's group, they’ll get past the first stage.
L: No! Belgium will be top, then Croatia – you will be third!
C: You want to bet?
L: Okay! 1,000!
C: Okay! I trust my country. We always play from the heart. Maybe Italy can make a surprise.
L: For me, after Spain, it’s Germany.
Sjors: Trust me, Spain is impossible – after Germany, it’s impossible.
L: England are like Spain – they are changing their most important players, they are in transition, it’s difficult. Spain had some luck for their first European championship, I don’t know how we won.
C: I love England sometimes more than Turkey, I’ve been there 10 times. England always make bullshit decisions in the tournaments, I think the squad is really good and the Premier league is the best in the world, but I don’t think they’re going to be champions.
L: I was reading an article that was talking about whether Rooney should be in the national team or not. Spain has the same problem, with Xabi Alonso and – okay Iniesta is the best player – but maybe Torres, he’s one of the favourite players for Atletico supporters. It’s difficult, that transition is not easy.
The Welsh boys
How do you think England will...
Pissed Welsh fan: England are fucking SHIT!
Another pissed Welsh fan: Wales will be unbelievable. They'll win every group game...
Sunburnt Welsh fan:...I genuinely think they might do a Greece and win it.
Sober Welsh fan: If Roy picks Rashford he's got a chance but if he picks Rooney they're fucked. He's got to play the young players. If he plays Alli and plays Townsend and plays Vardy, Kane, they've got a chance – but he hasn't got the balls to do it. James Milner? James Fucking Milner? Andy King's better than James Milner.
First pissed Welsh fan again: All we need is a goalkeeper, Ramsey and Bale and we'll beat England with that.
Can I be honest? This Euro I can see only two options: Spain and Germany. To be honest, France is out and England will take two or three more years to make their team competitive in this competition.
Even Portugal are too old. Anyone else, I cannot think. I thought about France, but all the troubles about Benezema… The other guy, not Ribery, the small guy, Valbuena.
For England it will be a good competition but they won’t win it. They have a good team in four or five years with Jamie Vardy and Harry Kane, but it’s like Spain – we hadn’t won it and then after that it came together. It will be a nice European Championship.
How will Italy do in the tournament?
I think it will be a debacle. It’s the worst team we’ve ever had. I root for Milan, and we have no players from Milan [in the Italian team] so I’m not interested.
Spain will win – they have the best team. Or perhaps Germany. But I think Spain will take very much [to stop].
England? No. Perhaps in the first four, top four position, they have enough. Italy, no. I think we shall pass the first group but the first play after, we go home.
Vladislav, Bohdan and Illya
How will the Ukraine team do in France?
I think they will play well and they will reach the playoffs. Andre Alomkov will play well.
I don’t know… I know England players – Vardy, Kane, they are good...
Okay, so you're not in the tournament... do you think England will be any good?
This year I think England will do quite well. Vardy will do well.
Oh right. Were you aware of the Leicester City story?
Of course. I know everything about it. I follow football very closely. Everybody was following the story, everybody thought it was a fairytale, like they did in England. Everyone was like “Ooh, what’s happening?” I think it’s an inspiration for a lot of teams around the world that even a small team like Leicester can win. That’s why we’re still hoping that a Dutch team can win the Champions League final some time. The chances are getting smaller and smaller because the big money is in Italy, Spain, England…
Francesca and Valentina
Who do you think is going to win the Euros?
Belgium? Sweden? Ibrahimavich is a good player.
Ballotelli is good…
He has a bad reputation. You can find him in the clubs here in Milan with his Ferrari parked in front.
We can tell you where they are staying!
Not so much… You weren’t so good in the World Cup.
Well neither were you...
George, Mark and Shaun
How do you think England will do?
George: Can I be honest? I don't care.
Mark: They've got a good enough squad to get on far, just whether they'll do it or not is a different story.
George: They'll ease their group, and then... well anything can happen.
Shaun: If a game goes to penalties they've got no chance.
Mark: Nah, quarter finals maybe. But I'd like to see them bottom of their group.
Enrique and Juan
How are Spain going to do?
Enrique: Not like last time. I think maybe if we go to semi-finals, that will be fine for us. But, no much, I think.
Juan: Germany will do well. I don't think England have any chance. It's like Spain, you don't compete very well.
Can we ask you some...
Anna, Laura & Camila
Have you ever heard of Jamie Vardy?
Have you heard of Leicester City?
Yes. Also, Chelsea, and Arsenal. That's it.
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