The modern gym: Sporting sanctuary. Ground zero for fitness gains. Our trusty ally when battling the bulge.
Or is it?
While our local gym is indeed a fortress of possibility, spend enough time in one and you'll learn they're incomprehensibly irritating, too. Stocked full of juiced-up gym addicts, disconcerting smells and the type of bloodcurdling screams more common in a sex dungeon, it's enough to send you straight to the nearest fast food joint.
But, fret not; all is not lost. Here we point out the fundamental flaws of the 21st century gym and, more importantly, some custom-built solutions.
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Annoying padlock rules
Trainers that are more pick up artists than PT
Being stingy with towels
Fad fitness classes
It's one thing for a qualified instructor to advise on your deadlift form - to prevent you snapping your spine like a Digestive biscuit - but a random dude with his cap on backwards and erect nipples poking through a vest? Something else entirely.
Gyms to introduce coffee shop-style cards, with a stamp per piece of unwanted advice. Got five? Congratulations, here's a lifetime ban.
Allowing people to slam weights on the floor
Unnecessary changing room nudity
We’ve all seen him. The naked person blow-drying their private parts and getting a little too intimate with a tube of moisturiser. Science is yet to conclusively prove how he can be at every single gym simultaneously around the UK, and yet there he is, refusing to get dressed, right next to your locker.
Swimming pool attendants who look like they’d rather be anywhere else
Allowing people to eat full meals on the gym floor
Protein shake: acceptable.
A triple-decked chicken sandwich loaded with spinach, onion and avocado: not even once.
Airport style security upon arrival. Vending machines... on the way out.