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This season’s Premier League mascots ranked

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Sam Diss
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The only ranking of Premier League mascots you will need this season.

We know they’re only there to keep the kids happy, but our voices must be heard...

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked

    Moonchester, Man City

    City’s mascot is an ‘alien’ from ‘the moon’. That’s it. *Pretends to smoke a spliff.* Yeah. Nice one, dudes.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 1

    Mighty Red, Liverpool

    Mighty Red is meant to be a liver bird, but instead looks like he’s a talking Disney haemorrhoid.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 2

    Hammerhead, West Ham

    A ’roided-up half-castle/half-robot that dances like a b-boy and is beloved by
    no one.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 3

    Monty the Magpie, Newcastle

    I’m really glad to see Newcastle back in the big time but I’m also pretty sure that their mascot is wearing jeans.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 4

    Chirpy Cockerel, Tottenham Hotspur

    Real cockerels have dead marble eyes and a beak made to break flesh. Mascot-ise that, Levy.  

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 5

    Sammy Saint, Southampton

    He’s a friendly dog with the name of a bare-knuckle boxer. He deserved better than this.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 6

    Bertie Bee, Burnley

    There’s something alluring about Bertie – perhaps his perennial smile or that time he tackled a streaker. It keeps him mid-table.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 7

    Filbert Fox, Leicester City

    HAHAHA HE LOOKS LIKE CRASH BANDICOOT! HAHAHA YEERRRRRS!

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 8

    Baggie Bird, West Brom

    A throstle with a murderer’s grin. More interesting than the football team itself.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 9

    Harry The Hornet, Watford

    Clearly nobody at the club has seen a hornet, but he earns points for last year’s knee-slide with Ighalo.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 10

    Cyril The Swan, Swansea

    That swan is not well and we need to treat it with respect before it’s rotting at the bottom of a boating lake.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 11

    Cherry Bear, Bournemouth

    A pleasant giant dog or a pastiche of an ex-prime minister’s wife? You decide. (We decided: the first one.)

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 12

    Gully, Brighton & Hove Albion

    Gully looks exactly like a bloke you’d make mates with on a plane to Ibiza and then bump into again at a club at 7am. He keeps calling himself the King of Ibiza. I think he’s bleeding. 

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 13

    Stamford The Lion, Chelsea

    Stamford actually looks vaguely lionesque, elevating him tenfold above his barely felid peers. 

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 14

    Fred The Red, Man United

    First appearing in 1994, Fred looks like if Alejandro Jodorowsky cast Frank Sidebottom as Satan. Class.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 15

    Pete The Eagle, Crystal Palace

    You can tell Pete’s cool because he’s wearing Wayfarer sunglasses and most eagles don’t wear glasses at all.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 16

    Pottermus, Stoke City

    The sheer brass balls of this aching ‘Potters’ pun – and the hippo’s ace duck-egg blue hue – deserve respect.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 17

    Terry the Terrier, Huddersfield Town

    The Huddersfield team will probably spend most of the year getting their heads caved in on the pitch this season but their eerily-realistic, nightmarish, Teen Wolf dog-thing mascot will do them proud. 

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 18

    Changy The Elephant, Everton

    Changy has the braying City-boy nickname and evil eyebrows to go far in this business.

  • This season's Premier League mascots ranked 19

    Gunnersaurus Rex, Arsenal

    Who knew what the game really needed was a 7ft-tall dinosaur hugging Arsene before kick-off?

    (Images: Rex, Getty, PA)

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Sam Diss

The Associate Editor of New Projects at ShortList, Sam enjoys making up words to annoy editors, writing features about sports, music, weird things, and cool people, and listening to Mark Morrison's 'Return Of The Mack'. He's also a fairly capable centreback. Follow Sam on Twitter: @SamDiss

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