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A man-by-man breakdown of last night’s Arsenal Fan TV meltdown

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Dave Fawbert
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We all like to laugh at Arsenal fans, it’s become something of a national pastime, and nowhere is it better to see their howling rage at their own board, manager and players than on Arsenal Fan TV.

But even we are starting – just – to have a little sympathy after last night’s 3-0 defeat to Crystal Palace, which means that the only three teams they’ve won against in the last two months are West Ham, Sutton and Lincoln.

Nonetheless, they remain in sixth place in the Premier League, in an era of a lot of a strong teams, and play in the FA Cup semi-final on Sunday week. So, y’know, it really could be a lot worse.

Not that it seems like it to these guys...

“Bully”

Hold your horses lads because there’s actually some reasonable stuff in here. He doesn’t blame Wenger necessarily, he blames the Kroenkes for not setting him ambitious enough targets and for establishing a ‘top four is fine’ culture. Nonetheless, there’s some solid invective displayed and, technically, a death threat. So that reasonableness score is coming down I’m afraid mate.

Anger: 8/10

Reasonableness: 2/10

Highlights:

“*MASSIVE VAPE* KROENKE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR CLUB. TAKE YER FUCKING SON WITH YER.”

“Usmanov: you know somebody ex-KGB, get some polonium in the two Kroenkes. Get them out of our fucking club.” – Note, this is a man who essentially dresses like a pirate criticising another man’s hair.

“Hector Bellerin: get rid of that stupid Bendtner top knot, you’ve been shit ever since you put that in.”

“DT”

There’s some small nuggets of sense in here, and also the perpetual sense that he’s a volcano on the verge of exploding, but he just about holds it together. Nonetheless, there’s still a methodical description of how every single member of coaching staff deserves the sack. Perspective.

Anger: 8/10

Reasonableness: 3/10

Highlights:

“I hate that I’m right. This is killing me. The whole team, they’re not fit.”

“I’ve got no confidence going into Middlesbrough next Monday. I’ve not no confidence going into the FA Cup semi-final. If you were to turn round now and say d’you want the season finished, I’d snap your hand off.”

“That team do not look like they’re playing for him… I have my 16-year-old and my six-year-old boy there, I can guarantee they’d have put better performances in than them. It’s embarrassing.”

“THEY’VE ALL GOT TO GO.”

“[This squad’s] had more rebuilds than Robocop.”

“Claude”

I think this might be the most reasonable interview I’ve ever seen on Arsenal Fan TV. This is unnerving. Although when you consider that the atmosphere in the interview is like someone’s died and yet Arsenal are still in the not-entirely-disastrous position of – gasp – sixth place – perhaps there has been some perspective lost. Nonetheless, nice one Claude.

Anger: 0/10

Reasonableness: 8/10

Highlights:

“I would love to remember Wenger as a great rather than this now, what we’ve got now – to me it’s a real sad ending. We need massive, massive changes at the club.”

“You have to give Palace a bit of credit today – as much as we were very poor, I thought they played very well, Palace. Wilfried Zaha, what a top player.”

“I’m upset but I can’t get angry like I have before because the more angry I get… it’s not worth it anymore.”

“Unknown Bloke”

Good grief, this really is like a funeral. Again, some fairly reasonable points but once more – guys, you’re sixth in the Premier League. Just think, you could be Rotherham supporters.

Anger: 1/10

Reasonableness: 8/10

Highlights:

“It’s time for a change… I feel so dejected.”

“I’ll be honest with you, Champions League games the past few years I’ve been to, I’ve just treated as a trip – a bit of travelling, sample some new food and drink, say in Germany. I don’t expect us to win the Champions League because we don’t have a winning mentality.”

“That board are allowing it to happen... they don’t care about us fans who are coming down here tonight, getting home in the early hours of the morning and got work first thing. They don’t care about us.”

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“Lee”

A man at the end of his tether here who begins in a fairly calm manner before fraying visibly in front of our eyes before finally losing it, declaring that Arsene Wenger has ‘ruined’ the club and should resign immediately. Again: sixth place in the Premier League and the semi-finals of the FA Cup.

Anger: 6/10

Reasonableness: 2/10

Highlights:

“He’s gotta walk. He’s gotta go right now. It’s getting worse.”

“I’ve never seen it as bad as this. This is the darkest day since the 7-0 days.”

“It’s upsetting when you hear that [chants of “we want Wenger out”]. It breaks your heart. The man was a legend down this football club but he’s ruined it now. He’s ruined it. At the end of the day if he loves Arsenal football club… he walks tonight.”

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Dave Fawbert

ShortList.com staff writer Dave’s primary passions are pop, prose, punning and power ballads (and alliteration). A lower division football enthusiast and long-suffering cricket fan, he is one of only 110 people followed on Twitter by Chas Hodges from Chas ‘n’ Dave. Follow Dave on Twitter like Chas: @davefawbert

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