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10 people who actually should be the next England manager

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Dave Fawbert
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So England are out - again - and this time they didn't even make it to their customary quarter-final penalty defeat.

Inevitably, the dignified Roy Hodgson was forced to fall on his sword within minutes of the final whistle, meaning that, once again, the England hotseat is up for grabs.

But who on earth do we turn to to lead us to some - any - footballing glory? The current list of candidates are not inspiring: Gareth Southgate, Alan Pardew, Sam Allardyce - none of them appear to be an outstanding choice.

We've tried foreign managers. We've tried English managers. We've tried tactical geniuses. We've tried man-managers. They've all failed.

So it's time to think outside the box. Here's our top 10 candidates to take England forward.

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager

    Danny Baker

    Pretty much the only enjoyable aspect of last night's game was Danny Baker's descent into sheer anger documented via the medium of a Twitter meltdown. He did not hold back, with his peak outburst being: "Absolutely disgraceful #England. You useless over paid, over indulged mollycoddled shits. You are beyond shame. Disgrace to working people", followed up - as if they were in any doubt - with: "You fucking awful craven humiliating disgrace. Go on you fuckers pick up your PL wages you cheap shits. You worms. Fuck you."

    Pros: If we need someone to kick our talented-but-timid players into shape and inject some passion into the side, then look no further than the nation's best broadcaster

    Cons: Having insulted the entire team, there's a chance - a slim chance - that the players wouldn't like him. Also, we tried passion with Kevin Keegan and look how that turned out

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 1

    David Brent

    Right, now you're talking. You want a man who can motivate his team? Who can seamlessly blend players from different clubs (Slough/Swindon) together? Who could be a friend first and a boss second? Look no further than David Brent. Sure, you'll have to work around his touring commitments, but that's the price you pay for getting a chilled-out entertainer in the hotseat.

    Pros: If nothing else, as the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met, he could cheer up this England team

    Cons: Unlikely to be popular with 'the suits' at the FA, given that he is rock and roll through and through

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 2

    Alan Partridge

    As seen in Alpha Papa, Alan knows how to deal with a crisis and be calm when under stress, exactly what England need in the pressure cooker situation of tournament football. Also, given his previous experience as the sports reporter on The Day Today, there's very little he doesn't know about the beautiful game.

    Pros: "Back of the net!" Someone could have done with telling England's players that that was they were supposed to do in France

    Cons: What company car do you get managing England? If it's a mini metro he is categorically not interested.

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 3

    Mike Bassett

    People mocked Mike Bassett. Yet even after being punched by his own assistant, indulging in drunken behaviour in full view of the media and generally being totally incompetance, he still managed to take England to the World Cup semi-finals, thus making him better than every single person who's had a go at the job since 1996.

    Pros: It would be extremely entertaining. We'd play 4-4-2.

    Cons: It would be a bit too entertaining. We'd play 4-4-2.

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 4

    Barack Obama

    If anyone has the credentials to take on 'the impossible job' it's this man. Straight-talking, well-liked, talented, inspirational - surely once you've been leader of the free world, leading the England team would be easy?

    Pros: Will be unemployed in November, so no need to pay compensation

    Cons: Every chance he'd get confused and start hiring defensive and offensive coaches and announce who his quarterback is going to be

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 5

    Danny Dyer

    Who was the last man to succeed as England manager? Yes, it was Terry Venables, a loveable Eastender and cheeky chappy who charmed the nation and nearly led us to our first trophy since 1966. It's time to try it again - step forward Mr Danny Dyer.

    Pros: Press conferences would be enormously entertaining

    Cons: As a proud Hammer, there's every chance he'd select every single eligible West Ham player and no one else

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 6

    Kermit the Frog

    If any man (frog) knows how to knock a wild rabble of talented but misguided characters into shape, it's Kermit. Cool, calm and collected and a friend to all, he'd make sure the England team put on a show.

    Pros: As an amphibian, he'd perform well in the wet, so no chance of a repeat of Steve McClaren's Wally with the Brolly moment

    Cons: We're not sure Gonzo can really be trusted in goal, while Animal would be a walking red card

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 7

    Piers Morgan

    From following Piers Morgan's Twitter account, it's clear that he considers himself tactically superior to Arsene Wenger. If Arsene doesn't want the job, then surely everyone's favourite, loveable and popular TV presenter would be the ideal fit?

    Pros: If he leads us to victory, then great. If he leads us to defeat, then we can all abuse him, so great. It's win-win.

    Cons: If Europe didn't already hate us enough....

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 8

    Duncan Fletcher

    In 1999, England's cricket team bore a huge resemblance to the current England football setup. Over a decade of defeats, a toxic playing atmosphere, a critical media, a psychological barrier whenever it came to pressure moments and underperforming players. Enter the quiet Zimbabwean Duncan Fletcher who, first with Nasser Hussain and then Michael Vaughan, changed the whole setup, leading to a glorious - and previously unthinkable - Ashes victory in 2005.

    Pros: A proven winner

    Cons: Absolutely zero experience of football. Also, when considering someone jumping across from one sport to the other, two words: Clive Woodward

  • 10 people who actually should be the next England manager 9

    Kanye West

    No one in their right mind would take on the England job right now. You'd need an ego the size of a planet to think that you could be the one to succeed where so many others have failed. But one man has an ego that big. Come on Kanye, step up to the plate.

    Pros: Performing Stronger in the dressing room couldn't fail to get our players pumped up and ready to go

    Cons: "I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle." How would he cope with the responsibility for England's football glory?

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Dave Fawbert

ShortList.com staff writer Dave’s primary passions are pop, prose, punning and power ballads (and alliteration). A lower division football enthusiast and long-suffering cricket fan, he is one of only 110 people followed on Twitter by Chas Hodges from Chas ‘n’ Dave. Follow Dave on Twitter like Chas: @davefawbert

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