If, like us, you often get a bit carried away with fiction then you've often imagined what your life might be like if you were a character in a TV show or a movie. Firstly, it would be much more interesting, no offence. Secondly, your music, film and literary tastes would be a whole load different.
We've scoured the cinematic archives to uncover the very finest fake books from popular culture. Don't get too attached though. You won't be able to read a single one of them.
Author: Paul Sheldon
Review: If you, along with the rest of us, thought you’d seen the last of Misery Chastain, then you will never have enjoyed being wrong more. Sheldon has returned to his Victorian romance series with gusto, bringing a compelling passion to the novel like never before. There is a real sense of desperation to the story, although the dialogue seems surprisingly family-friendly for an author used to turning the air blue. She’s also ventured into the supernatural – a bizarre U-turn for his career, but one which will be received happily by fans of his work everywhere. Welcome back, Misery.
Author: Jackson Curtis
Review: To approach this novel about stranded shuttle pilots as a work of science fiction would do it a great disservice. Jackson Curtis has truly transcended genre in this novel, bringing together mystery, satire and horror. He’s done his research too, unearthing lost knowledge of the 'ancient ones,' sacred sites, shamans and interdimensional worlds – signs from the past left as cautionary tales to humanity. Blending the events of many years throughout history with the happenings and conspiracy theories of today, he creates a story of tomorrow that comes across as an ominous warning to everyone on the planet.
The Man Inside Me
Author: Dr Tobias Fünke
From: Arrested Development
Review: This book will make it clear to all that Dr Tobias Fünke is a pioneer for the gay community. The world’s first analrapist (analyst-therapist for the uninitiated), Fünke embraces the everyday psychological struggles that gay men face the world over, dealing with his trauma in a way that is cathartic, enlightened and, ultimately, liberating. With The Man Inside Me, Fünke has delivered the philosophical guide to harmony that the gay community has unknowingly been being crying out for for decades. A must-have guide to psychology for the homosexual man of today.
Accounting For Everything
Author: Henry Sherman
From: The Royal Tenenbaums
Review: If you are searching for an all-in-one guide to accounting then Henry Sherman has saved you a lot of money and time wading through a subject that, let’s be honest, can be extremely dry. Being a good accountant is very simple in Sherman’s way of thinking – all you need to do is make sure you’re dependable. Accountants’ clients ask for nothing more than for you to be there for them when they need you and Sherman spells out very clearly how the budding accountant can make sure this is the case. This book’s clarity and honesty is charming. It will bring comfort to thousands in the profession.
The Number 23
Author: Topsy Kretts
From: The Number 23
Review: The first and only book by this mysterious, self-published author (whose name sounds, unnervingly, like ‘Top Secrets’), The Number 23 is a convincing and chilling thriller story. Based on an intricate conspiracy regarding the ninth prime number, the novel tells the story of a detective who calls himself ‘Fingerling’ and his fateful meeting with the obsessive ‘Suicide Blonde’ – a relationship that proceeds to engulf Fingerling’s life. The novel’s dark, paranoid mood is infectious, making this a truly un-put-down-able read. You may never be able to read another thriller after this.
Handbook For The Recently Deceased
Review: The day of your death is the most important day of your life. But contrary to popular belief, it needn’t be a negative time for you. This handy guide is a vital read for anyone who’s recently shuffled off their mortal coil. Of course, leaving your corporeal form can be a tough transition and many recently deceased struggle to get to grips with the challenges it offers, but this important volume offers answers to all the questions that too often go unanswered. Empowered by this book, dead people everywhere will soon be making the most of their deaths – living (or, rather, dying) to the fullest.
Author: Liz Lemon
From: 30 Rock
Review: A relationship is a deal, a contract that must be fulfilled – so says unlikely love guru Liz Lemon. All too often, however, neither party knows the rules of that deal and often those rules get broken. Lemon’s book attempts to educate people in these rules, so that harmony between lovers can be achieved. Constructed around a list of violations, termed “dealbreakers”, Lemon makes it clear when a relationship is broken beyond repair. For example: "If your man is over thirty and still wears a nametag to work, that's a dealbreaker." Now we know, so there are no excuses.
Homer, I Hardly Knew Me
Author: Homer Simpson
From: The Simpsons
Review: This autobiography is a rare find – the story of an ordinary American man’s remarkable life. For a father of three who works at a power plant in a small town, Mr Simpson’s life has been extraordinary. He’s lived the life of a vigilante, hosted a TV talk show and bowled a perfect 300 ten-pin bowling game. He’s even won the Pulitzer prize for exposing the corrupt dealings of the mayor of his hometown. Bizarrely, the book seems to have been written by a child – possibly one of his young children – and this tone lets the content down.
A Match Made In Space
Author: George McFly
From: Back to the Future
Review: Inspired by the classic science fiction McFly grew up on, this space adventure is about as kitsch as it gets. The story of two young lovers brought together by an alien, it’s a touching, if somewhat implausible, romance narrative, but one that doesn’t quite fit into the high-tech, go-getting society of the 1980s. It’s a slow-paced story of young desire and, while it’s a straightforward storyline, the dialogue and characterisation is exquisite. If McFly could somehow travel back in time to the 1950s to release this novel, it would be a smash hit. What a shame he can’t.
The Philosophy Of Time Travel
Author: Roberta Sparrow
From: Donnie Darko
Review: Roberta Sparrow purports to know the secrets of time travel – a bold claim, to say the least. In her foreward she proclaims: “I pray that this is merely a work of fiction. If it is not, then I pray for you, the reader of this book.” It is, in fact, not only a work of fiction, but a work of nonsense of the highest order. Where Sparrow got all this from is a mystery, but she certainly knows her ‘Living Receiver’ from her ‘Manipulated Dead’. If you can get your head around it, you’re a genius. And so is Sparrow.
Author: Alan Partridge
From: I'm Alan Partridge
Review: This autobiography of ex-talk show host Alan Partridge has been described by Shakin’ Stevens as “lovely stuff,” but that’s likely to be the height of the book’s critical acclaim. Charting his fall from moderate success through the depths of his destructive addiction to Toblerone, the title is clearly ironic. It is, in fact, an extremely bitter book and while there is joy to be found here, it is almost exclusively at the expense of others. The book is disjointed too – essentially a string of anecdotes, almost all of which end in the phrase: “Needless to say I had the last laugh.”
Tropic Thunder: The True Story
Author: John "Four Leaf" Tayback
Exists Within: Tropic Thunder
Review: Sergeant John “Four Leaf” Tayback has been a controversial character ever since he returned from Vietnam in 1969. Derided by critics for his erratic descriptions of the tropical warzone, he had been written off as yet another acid casualty of history’s most psychedelic war. His first-hand account sets out to silence those critics with an unflinching retelling of his experiences of jungle warfare and it’s certainly gripping. Tayback tells the story of a courageous band of brothers, brought together by repeated dices with death. His heroics here are phenomenal acts of selfless resolve. So phenomenal, in fact, that his critics could just be right.
Author: Peter Griffin
Review: It’s not controversial to say the Erotica genre has historically been dominated by verbose, largely female authors from privileged backgrounds, and it’s surprising how long this tired stereotype has been allowed to continue. In Peter Griffin – the ordinary working man of America – the genre has found its saviour. Telling the enticing story of a woman with two posteriors and the steamy encounters that litter her life as a sex addict, Griffin titillates without the usual long-winded, adjectival description you expect. He calls a spade a spade (resisting the temptation to call it a big tool).
Grays Sports Almanac
Exists Within: Back to The Future II
Review: The most comprehensive book of sporting statistics available, Grays Sports Almanac includes facts and figures on football, baseball, hockey, horse racing, boxing, slamball, golf, tennis, track, polo, bowling, surfing, sailing, auto racing, rugby, soccer, ping pong, darts, swimming, diving, ice skating, racquetball, rodeo, and more. A must have for any enthusiast and a sure-fire way to settle those historical sports arguments.
Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War
Author: Zapp Brannigan
Exists Within: Futurama
Review: We’re all familiar with Twenty-Five Star General Zapp Brannigan, great hero of the Democratic Order of Planets and legendary leader of men. History has taught us to expect the unexpected from the vanquisher of the killbots, but a book – especially one with this many words in it – was the last thing we predicted. Interestingly, the book doesn’t actually contain any military tactics. It is, however, full of wisdom that can be applied to any situation. As the great man once said: “Hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”