This is who will win tonight's BRIT Awards

Sometimes in life, it’s comforting to have a bit of predictability.

For example, I was listening to this new power ballad this morning (well, new as in I hadn’t heard it before, clearly it is not new) and I very much enjoyed the way that the whole song was entirely predictable. You know exactly what’s coming next at every point in the song (big chorus/middle 8/guitar solo etc) and sometimes you need that.

Which is why it’s OK to enjoy the BRITs, the most predictable awards ceremony in history.

All that matters to the BRITs is how many units someone’s shifted. That, to them, is the judge of whether something is good or not and whether it deserves an award. Because - and I hate to shatter the illusion - the BRITs are an awards ceremony that exist purely to let you know about the biggest unit-shifters of the last year, in order to urge you to go out and buy even more units. 

Now, you can argue the merits of that all day long but it at least means that it’s very very easy to predict all the winners, thus making yourself look like a music expert*.

The performances are always fun - yes, even the dodgy duets - so I’ll be tuning in, but just in case you just want to cut to the chase and find out all the winners before it’s even happened, here you go.

British album of the year

Nominated:

Dua Lipa - Dua Lipa
Ed Sheeran - Divide
J Hus - Common Sense
Rag ‘N’ Bone Man - Human
Stormzy - Gang Signs & Prayer

WINNER: Ed Sheeran

Comments: Biggest seller by a mile, I will eat my own face if this doesn’t win.

British male solo artist

Nominated:

Ed Sheeran
Liam Gallagher
Loyle Carner
Rag ‘N’ Bone Man
Stormzy

WINNER: Ed Sheeran

Comments: Literally no doubt whatsoever. Also, working back, as Ed will definitely win album of the year, he has to win his artist category otherwise the BRITs look silly.

British female solo artist

Nominated:

Dua Lipa
Jessie Ware
Kate Tempest
Laura Marling
Paloma Faith

WINNER: Dua Lipa

Comments: Literally no doubt whatsoever.

British group

Nominated:

Gorillaz
London Grammar
Royal Blood
Wolf Alice
The xx

WINNER: London Grammar

Comments: Actually pretty hard to call this one, but the Gorillaz album was underwhelming, Wolf Alice probably haven’t done quite enough, the XX and Royal Blood could well get it, but London Grammar are nice and Brit worthy and, frankly, deserve it.

British breakthrough act (fan voted)

Nominated:

Dave
Dua Lipa
J Hus
Loyle Carner
Sampha

WINNER: Dua Lipa

Comments: Dave’s got as much chance of winning it as I have. Dua Lipa’s the only one with any massive commercial success and it’s fan voted and she has the most Instagram followers, therefore she will win.

British single

Nominated:

Calvin Harris ft Pharrell / Katy Perry / Big Sean - ‘Feels’
Clean Bandit ft Zara Larsson - ‘Symphony’
Dua Lipa - ‘New Rules’
Ed Sheeran - ‘Shape of You’
J Hus - ‘Did You See’
Jax Jones ft Raye - ‘You Don’t Know Me’
Jonas Blue ft William Singe - ‘Mama’
Liam Payne ft Quavo - ‘Strip That Down’
Little Mix - ‘Touch’
Rag ‘N’ Bone Man - ‘Human’

WINNER: Ed Sheeran - ‘Shape of You’

Comments: The Grand National of the BRITs, with a nice big field. If this was fan-voted this would be interesting. As it’s not, and ‘Shape of You’ was the biggest seller of the year, it will win. The real best singles of 2017 however, were these.

British artist video of the year (fan voted)

Nominated:

Anne-Marie - ‘Ciao Adios’
Calvin Harris ft Pharrell / Katy Perry / Big Sean - ‘Feels’
Clean Bandit ft Zara Larsson - ‘Symphony’
Dua Lipa - ‘New Rules’
Ed Sheeran - ‘Shape of you’
Harry Styles - ‘Sign of the Times’
Jax Jones ft Raye - ‘You Don’t Know Me’
Liam Payne ft Quavo - ‘Strip That Down’
Little Mix - ‘Touch’
ZAYN and Taylor Swift - ‘I Don’t Wanna Live Forever’

WINNER: Harry Styles - ‘Sign of the Times’

Comments: If we’re being honest then ‘New Rules’ is probably the best video, but never underestimate the One Direction voting army.

International male solo artist

Nominated:

Beck
Childish Gambino
DJ Khaled
Drake
Kendrick Lamar

WINNER: Kendrick Lamar

Comments: Beck has as much chance of winning it as I do. Drake could win - but he won it last year, so expect a nod for Kendrick.

International female solo artist

Nominated:

Alicia Keys
Bjork
Lorde
Pink
Taylor Swift

WINNER: Taylor Swift

Comments: This is a tough one to call and it could easily be Lorde if the BRITs want to look cool/critically aware. But Swifty shifted more units and I don’t think they’ll resist giving it to the biggest pop star on the planet (and they’ll want her to perform next year).

International group

Nominated:

Arcade Fire
Foo Fighters
Haim
The Killers
LCD Soundsystem

WINNER: Haim

Comments: They sprung a surprise in this category last year by giving it to A Tribe Called Quest and I expect them to do it again - the BRIT panel can give themselves a nice feminist #equality pat on the back by giving it to Haim ahead of the all the other lads in the nominations.

Brits Global Success Award

No nominees

WINNER: Ed Sheeran

Comments: In a shocking diversion from everything else on this list, a pretend award (even more pretend than the others) given to the person who’s shifted the most units. Won by Adele (twice), Sam Smith and One Direction. Coldplay could win it for their massive worldwide tour last year, but I reckon they’ll just go full Ed and give it to him, giving him a headline-grabbing four (4) BRITs.

*If I am wrong don’t blame me, but I won’t be

(Image: Rex)