Randy Newman has written a song about Donald Trump's penis and the lyrics are brilliant

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Gary Ogden

If you were going to write a song about Donald Trump, what would you write it about? Me, personally, I would write it about his dick. But then me, personally, would write any song about a dick, because that’s the funniest type of song there is, isn’t it? You know, like:

My friend Billy
Had a ten foot willy
He showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake
And hit with a rake
And now it's only two foot four


Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin flew away
Uncle Billy lost his willy on the Motorway

Or there’s the classic:

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Tits in a trolly, Balls in a biscuit tin
Sits on the grass, Fingers in his arse, Dick go ding-a-ling-ling

Anyway, Randy Newman, famed Academy award-winning singer-songwriter of famous movie songs, agrees with me wholeheartedly, which is good to hear. For his latest album, Dark Matter, he wrote a funny song all about Doanld Trump’s penis, which is a great idea, in my book. Unfortunately he decided to cut it from the album at the last minute, saying “I just didn’t want to add to the problem of how ugly the conversation we’re all having is.”

Fair enough, but thankfully, he has revealed some of the lyrics:

“My dick’s bigger than your dick / It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true / My dick’s bigger than your dick / I can prove it too / There it is! There’s my dick / Isn’t that a wonderful sight? / Run to the village, to town, to the countryside / Tell the people what you’ve seen here tonight.”

And according to Randy, the chorus simply reads “What a dick!” It’s nice to see a grown, millionaire man still being as childish as me. 

It’s not known if he’ll ever release it (he should), but one song that did make the cut on the album was Putin, which isn’t about penises.

This one’s lyrics are a bit more on the political side of things, with lines like:

“I dragged these peasants kicking and screaming / Into the 21st century / I thought they’d make it / I must have been dreaming / These chicken farmers and file clerks gonna be the death of me.”

Yes that’s all very good and pointed and clever, Randy, but I would have preferred a song about his dick. You can’t have it all I guess.

(Image: Rex)


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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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