I’ve not been on many bad dates, but I’m 100% sure that many women have been on bad dates with me. But hey, the internet never finds out if I spill a whole pint on my crotch, or accidentally punch myself in the face and get a nosebleed, because I keep it a secret – nobody will ever know.
However, if you decide to go on a date that is organised by Time Out New York, who print your post-date interview, then you better behave like a class-act, otherwise your douchey answers are going to seep through the internet quicker than a dog’s nose through tissue paper, whatever that means.
What Time Out New York do, is set up people on blind dates – people that reckon they’re unlucky in love – in a feature called Meet The Undateables. Most of the time, it doesn’t work, sometimes it does, and sometimes, like this time: there’s a shitshow of Jackson Pollock proportions.
Meet Alyssa and Matt, both 24. Alyssa is a good person, Matt, is not.
Here’s how their date went:
Alyssa: “I didn’t want to be that girl who’s late, and I was trying really hard, but I was about three minutes late. He stood up, and we hugged. He was really nice and charming.”
Billy: “She was about five minutes late, which annoyed the shit out of me. As soon as she walked into the room, I knew she wasn’t the girl for me. She didn’t have the goods.”
She was FIVE MINUTES late. FIVE MINUTES. What an unbelievable, unreasonable, psycho bitch.
Alyssa: “He’s an actor, and that’s totally uncharted territory for me. I like a really stable job in a significant other. But the conversation was very friendly. He did a lot of the talking.”
Billy: “Whether I was attracted to her or not, I still had to sit there for two hours and be a gentleman. We had a nice conversation. She complimented me many times.”
God, I can’t believe he had to sit there for two hours and be a gentleman. I can’t sit anywhere for more than five minutes without ripping my shirt off and hurling dung at the nearest window. I feel for him.
Alyssa: “A couple of times he told me not to be nervous. I wasn’t nervous, but that made me second-guess myself and get in my head. And then the conversation stalled.”
Billy: “She ordered her filet mignon well done. The waiter just looked at me, and I looked at the waiter. I was like, ‘Live your life, but this is not Outback Steakhouse, girl.’ ”
She ordered it well done?!?! What an uneducated luddite! If you don’t have it medium rare, or preferably, blue, then it doesn’t taste like steak anymore. NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO HAVE THEIR FOOD THE WAY THEY LIKE IT. THEY MUST HAVE IT LIKE I DO.
Alyssa: “We got a little ice cream afterward, which was awesome. We both gabbed about the fact that we really respect a place that will give you a macaron with your ice cream.”
Billy: “I was trying to be nice and end the date, but the waiter was like, ‘Do you want some ice cream?’ and she was like, ‘Yay! Ice cream!’ So that was another 20 minutes.”
This is the last straw. She’s at a nice restaurant and she wants some dessert? She wants to make the most of it???? I wouldn’t have that – nobody is allowed to like ice cream on my watch. Poor guy – I wouldn’t be able to deal with this shit. Fucking ridiculous.
Alyssa: ♥♥♥/5 – “We left the restaurant, walked to the subway and said goodbye. I’m really glad that I met him; he was really interesting and cool. But I got more of a friend vibe.”
Billy: ♥/5 – “There was nothing drawing me in. She was very sweet, always smiling, always bubbly. But I feel like I took two hours of my time and kind of just burned it.”
Can you even imagine going on a two-hour date with someone who was very sweet, always smiling and always bubbly? Sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. A FLAMING, SOUL-SUCKING, GUT-RIPPING NIGHTMARE.
Anyway, that was that. Bad date for him, yet somehow, quite a good date for her? He’s obviously a very good actor. Not that I’ve ever seen him in anything. ZING!
Oh and also, owing to his slightly foul answers, Twitter obviously picked up on it, and subsequently ran a mile with it. Evidence:
Here's Billy's response to the justifed furore:
I mean, sometimes magazines do take things out of context, and may even pop in the odd misquote, so we can’t 100% definitely be sure he said these things. But he did, didn’t he? He definitely did it.
(Images: Time Out New York/Kelsey Dubinsky)