What are you doing this weekend? Are you watching The Oscars? No, you are not, because they are too long, they don’t really mean anything and all that back-slapping plays havoc with the ear drums. Do something else instead.
But come back! There is one awards ceremony that stays relevant, and that’s The ShortList Alternative Oscars, because it looks past the usual guff and focuses on the films and personalities often overlooked by the Academy. Read on for the stuff that actually matters (i.e. no Meryl Streep):
Goriest Horror Film
If you get your rocks off by watching people pull each other’s eyes out before sticking their tongues into the empty socket, then wahey – you’ve found your new favourite film! Baskin is about a load of police officers who end up in Hell, at the mercy of a weird sacrificial murderer. Also, it’s not very good, but it’s certainly very gory, so if you’re 14 then you might like it. 15-year-olds should probably apply too.
Most Ridiculous Action Sequence
Winner: The Bodyguard
Annoyingly, the most ridiculous action film of recent times was released this year, and so will only be eligible for next year’s Oscars. As a result, we’ll have to wait until Vin Diesel collects his gong in 2018 for xXx: Return Of Xander Cage, presumably wearing a dope sleeveless leather tank top.
Regardless, there was a great deal of stupidly OTT action films this year, so coming up with a winner was hard. But check out the above clip and you’ll completely understand why The Bodyguard should win. It’s like that scene in The Matrix Reloaded where Neo fights all those agents, but without the soul-stalkingly terrifying CGI. It’s wild.
Best Film About A Cat
Key and Peele are two of the greatest geniuses to have ever walked this earth, so obviously their first feature length movie was going to be great. Like, it was a close call between this and that one where Kevin Spacey gets struck by lightning whilst holding a cat called Mr. Fuzzypants and ends up trapped inside its body, but this just edged it.
Greatest Netflix Exclusive Movie
Netflix original shows are a big deal nowadays, with some of the greatest TV series coming straight from the streaming giants, but did you know they do their own movies too? Whether they exclusively release them or actually make them themselves, there are a couple of gems to be found hidden in their library. This year, the big dog was the return of Christopher “Spinal Tap” Guest with Mascots, but you know, that didn’t end up being amazing, and neither did the other fanfare-backed blockbuster: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword Of Destiny.
Hush on the other hand, was a taut, tense horror/thriller about a deaf woman living alone in a house in the middle of nowhere, being terrorised by a masked murderer. Sounds horrendous. It is. But in a good way.
Scariest Film That Contains Light As A Central Plot Device
Winner: Don’t Breathe
In Lights Out, the scary monster can only attack when the lights are out, and in Don’t Breathe, a scary man only gains the upper hand when the lights are out (because he’s blind). Both are good, but Don’t Breathe is great. Ridiculously tense, full of top-quality scares and full of twists and turns that keep you guessing. Great stuff.
Most Batshit Crazy What-The-Fuck-Fest
Winner: The Greasy Strangler
You’d think that a film about a man who rides a corpse across the ocean, powered by its farts, would take the top spot on the weird list, wouldn’t you? Or maybe a movie about a brother and sister who live inside a cave and have sex with each other repeatedly, while a homeless man watches? Or what about a film about a girl who takes a drug that makes her pregnant with a giant, scary baby?
No, The Greasy Strangler is weirder than all of these films, because it is about a man who covers himself in grease and then strangles people until their eyes pop out. He also has a huge prosthetic penis and showers in a carwash. It makes ZERO sense, but it’s one of the best films we saw all year.
The 2016 “Too-Soon” Award
Winner: 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
Time elapsed between the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig explosion and the release of fun action film Deepwater Horizon: six years, four months.
Time elapsed between the Boston Marathon Bombing and the release of fun action film Patriots Day: three years, seven months.
Time elapsed between the 2012 Benghazi terrorist attacks and the release of fun Michael Bay action film 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi: three years, one month.
The Honourary En Masse Forgiveness Of A Giant Racist Award 2016
Winner: Mel Gibson
Turns out you can do some pretty scary things, but leave it a couple of years and everyone will be ready to be your friend again.
Saying that, Hacksaw Ridge is genuinely really good.
Most Pointless Sequel
Winner: Underworld: Blood Wars
If, two years ago, you had asked anybody – seriously, anybody – if they wanted another Underworld or Resident Evil film, they’d have said no. Yet somehow these films make money – who is watching them?
Either way, we’ve gone with Underworld: Blood Wars as the winner of this category, simply because the previous installment – Underworld: Awakening, which you couldn’t remember even if your life depended on it – made less money than the previous Resident Evil film (ditto). And Independence Day: Resurgence ended up being pointless because nobody liked it and it made a fraction of the first's box office ($389.7 million to the original's $817.4 million).
Winner: 10 Cloverfield Lane
Hey! If we say anything in this section we’ll ruin those movies for you! Next!
Greatest Height From Which A Flaming Shit Has Been Dropped Onto A Previously Fantastic Career
Winner: Approximately the distance from the earth to the sun, onto Robert De Niro, courtesy of Dirty Grandpa.
WHAT WAS THIS FILM.