Films

A Nigel Farage movie is being made, so we created some posters for it

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Gary Ogden
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I’m not sure how this has happened, but somehow, for some reason, there is going to be a Nigel Farage movie. No, I’m not bullshitting you: a Hollywood studio has reported stumped up £60 million to produce a six-part TV movie, based on The Bad Boys of Brexit, the best-selling book written by Aaron Banks, the founder of the Leave.EU campaign.

Supposedly the script is nearly finished and the film will start shooting next year. Said script will be about US pollster Gerry Gunster (aka the man with the most American name in the world), who advised the Leave campaign, and will also follow Farage as he travels to America and campaigns for Trump. So it’s a horror film, presumably.

At present, it doesn’t have a title, but we thought we’d help out those confused movie execs by offering up a couple of our own. We’ve even designed the posters.

Seven million quid please:

Farage! European Exit for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Britain

A bumbling politician and his equally bumbling mayoral mate head off to America in search of their favourite celebrity: Trump. Once there, I don’t know, they have a big naked fight in a hotel room or something. 

The Dark Knigel

By day, he is a pint-swilling, cigar smoking ‘everyman’, by night, he is The Dark Knigel, suiting up in his Union Jack-branded superhero costume, almost single-handedly destroying the EU and everything it stands for. Bringing a country to its knees as a result of his decades-long fight against his arch-nemesis: Super Corbyn.

The Brexorcist

Upstairs in a normal, surburban house, a child sits in bed, looking forward to a united future. Until, the Brexorcist, acting on misinformation, makes it his business to destroy her future. In fact, he fucks things up so badly that she pukes pea soup everywhere. It’s foul, actually, when you think about it.

Nigel Farage: Prince of Leaves

A self-imposed “hero of the people” steals from both the rich and the poor, and gives it to, erm, himself. Just basically fires flaming arrows fucking everywhere, setting fire to everything. It’s absolute chaos. No story-line, really. Just utter nonsense.

Nigellraiser

A terrifying cautionary tale about summoning bad people and accidentally letting them get into positions of power. I mean, it’s really scary, this one. There are sequels, too. And you’re about to literally live them.

In Brussels

Three men head to Brussels to just absolutely smash shit up, basically – just properly tear up the rule book, really fuck it up for everyone. There’s shouting, drinking, fighting and it would actually be hilarious if it wasn’t based on a true story. 

Article Fifty Shades of Grey

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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