With the number of dictators dwindling by the day, this summer gave us a new tyrant to poke fun at in hit comedy/documentary The Dictator.
Sacha Baron Cohen's latest comic creation was as offensive and sadistic as we expected and as the small screen release looms, we managed to nab an exclusive chat with General Aladeen himself.
There are no words. Except maybe sorry. Here goes...
How did your film go down in the dictator community?
It is hard to say; Saddam and Gaddafi haven’t seen it because they are in hiding after their body doubles were killed. Mubarak couldn’t understand it, because following his stroke his brain is mush (in hospital he is too weak to even rape a nurse) and I sent a DVD to Kim Jong-Un, but he couldn’t play it because of a region problem – he lives in a region without DVD players.
Do you have any plans to star in more movies?
Absolutely. I have to say I am delighted with my last film - even though I am my own harshest critic. I didn’t used to be, but I had all the others killed. My performances in this movie and others have so far earned me over 78 Wadiyan Oscars – including awards for “Best Simulated Sex Scene”, “Best Actual Sex Scene”, “Best On Screen Kiss”, “Most Realistic Torture Scene”, “Best Picture” and “Least Jewish Actor”.
Who are your favourite dictators within Hollywood?
I actually prefer the ladies of Hollywood to the men and have slept with over 300 of them. Kim Kardashian recently was a nightmare though - first of all I hate queuing, and secondly, it is quite terrifying how hairy she is. When she pulled down her panties, I thought I was looking into a mirror. She told me she will get it dealt with as soon as someone invents a laser powerful enough. She is also planning on getting her arsehole bleached – or Kanye West, to use his proper name.
What are your thoughts on the current presidential race in the US?
I think I probably have more in common with Romney: both of us are from backgrounds where having 40 wives is normal, we both live in palaces and ride jet-skis and neither of us has paid any taxes for the past 30 years.
Have you seen Ryan Seacrest since the Oscars?
I have tried to apologize, but no response. He’s being histrionic like all gay men are. But I want to be friends. In fact, I would give your right arm to end this hostility. I’m sure Ryan and I will meet on a red carpet again. Well, it will be red by the time my guards have finished with him.
What do you most enjoy about the UK?
Being close to my son, Prince Harry and also visiting all the sites in London: Buckingham Palace, Big Ben and The Shard before it is demolished next year. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that – please don't print it.
If you met the Queen, what would you say to her?
I would congratulate her on her 60 year dictatorship and commend her on being such a great role model to other women by never having had a job and never having driven a car.
What other films have you enjoyed recently?
Since recently having learned to masturbate, I have enjoyed the films Underworld, Kick Ass and Schindler’s List. I also love the American TV series, ‘24’ – although I play it backwards so that it has a happy ending.
What did you think of the Olympics?
Overall it was a disappointing Olympics for Wadiya, since none of our devices went off. Our athletes were actually banned, but we will be at Rio 2016 where I plan to smash the Olympic record - which has stood since Munich - for Most Assassinated Israeli Athletes. It was good to watch the games in London though. I loved Gabby Douglas! The way she can bend her body in so many directions – I have tried that stuff with political prisoners and their arms and legs just break. And she is so attractive! By the end of the games, I had managed to synchronize the climax of her routine with the climax of mine. And of course the women’s boxing was there for the first time. If you can’t enjoy two lesbians hitting each other in the tits … well, you have no humanity.
Have you made any enemies in Hollywood?
I sincerely hope so, since over 70% of the people there are Jewish.
The Dictator is available on DVD & Blu-ray from Monday
(Images: All Star)