Just recently, a film came out, and you may have seen it, or you may have not, but it was about a small, talking bear and according to many who did see it, it was quite good. That film was called Paddington 2, and it did absolutely NOTHING to stem any potential for more talking bear movies, as I have found today.
I know this, because there is going to be another talking bear movie, and it is going to be called Christopher Robin. The talking bear in question, here, is Winnie The Pooh, that thieving, honey-grabbing little tyke from your childhood, and now he is live-action, because it is 2018. Talking bears are real, and you better put up or shut up, Bunty.
Here’s the trailer:
And what can we learn from it? Well, this:
Who’s in it?
1. Ewan McGregor - from those lightsaber films, and also from that other film, with the very thin, mini-lightsabers, filled with heroin
2. Hayley Atwell - Agent Carter from Marvel films, where she does some ‘agenting’ like ‘agents’ do. All very exciting
3. Jim Cummings - the man who has done Winnie The Pooh’s voice since 1988. Good to hear they’re using him for the film, and not someone different, like Roy Chubby Brown
Does it have a good name?
It’s a risky choice, this one. How are the idiot public supposed to know this is a Winnie The Pooh movie? Who is Christopher Robin? You need brand recognition in these attention-starved times. Just call it Pooh. Or Winnie. Or Winnie The Pooh: The Honey-Loving Talking Bear, You Know The One.
What other films does it look like?
Like the other talking bear one: Paddington 2. In this case though, it’s a toy bear, not a real one. Real bears are scary and kill humans, but toy bears are nice and only in extremely rare, freak accidents do they kill humans.
What’s the most unrealistic moment?
It is the bit with the talking bear I think.
Is it my favourite trailer of the year so far, solely because of one single bit?
Yes, this bit:
It lends itself to any situation:
When I finally work out what’s been bothering me
When I’m having a really nice day and nothing can go wrong
When my boss taps me on the shoulder and asks why I’m late for work
When I attend your dinner party and you serve your first course
When St. Peter asks me why I’m here
Is the soundtrack good?
Yes, it’s very stirring, very nostalgic and very talking-bear-movie-but-not-Paddington-2-remember. It’s good for a trailer, but you wouldn’t want to listen to it on your commute or anything.
Accurate joke count
2. The bit where Ewan McGregor says “I’ve cracked” and Pooh says: “Oh I don’t see any cracks. A few wrinkles, maybe.”
What an absolute cuss there, really throws him under the bus, the absolute savage. I spat all my popcorn out!
Are there any questionable accents in it?
No, is the answer to this. Sure, Ewan McGregor is not talking in his real voice (he’s Scottish) but he’s quite good at an English accent, so you don’t have to throw your toys out the pram.
Is this another franchise?
Yes, this is a franchise - it is the Winnie The Pooh franchise, one of the biggest in the world. There have been 14 Pooh movies and countless books, TV shows and even theatre adaptations. This however, is the first live-action film to feature the bear, unless you count Goodbye Christopher Robin starring Domhnall Gleeson, which you don’t, because Pooh himself isn’t actually in it. There is also no bit where Domhnall is sitting on a bench, and then he turns around and goes “Poooooh?”, so in my opinion this film does not exist.
How exciting did I find this trailer, on the whole?
Does it star The Rock?
No, and frankly, I’m getting bored of films not starring him. Sort it out, Hollywood, you bunch of slugs.
Does the trailer contain any goddamn spoilers?
Thankfully, no, unless you count the whole “Pooooh?” reveal bit as a spoiler, but I think if you went to see a Winnie The Pooh movie and then were surprised when a talking bear turned up, you’ve maybe made a misstep somewhere along the way. Then again, it is called Christopher Robin, so maybe you just thought you were going to see a film about a man in a hat. I guess then, and only then, could you be justified in being startled by a talking bear.
So, when can I watch this cinematic masterpiece?
YOU CAN WATCH IT WHENEVER I SAY YOU CAN WATCH IT, YOU APE.
Alternatively, you can watch it in cinemas 17 August, but be warned: there is a talking bear in it. Thought I’d let you know in case it gives you a heart attack when it first appears.