What an exciting summer we have ahead of us!
- Get carried away on ‘the drink’
- Get our frankly disgusting legs out
- Get our heads burnt to such an extent that our eyes swell shut
- Sit in a dark room in the complete absence of sunlight and watch a two-hour film about people punching each other
- Be absolutely excited about the prospect of number 4
What I’m saying is, it’s blockbuster season! So to celebrate, here’s a big old list of all the ones to look out for:
Avengers: Infinity War (26 April)
All those superhero films, eh? Lots of them, aren’t there? And they’ve all been leading up to this one, the one with the most punching in of them all. The sheer amount of injury on show in this movie will be revolutionary - you’ve never seen so many people getting whacked in the head. An absolute platter of noggins getting bonked. A full-on biff-in-the-mush party.
Deadpool 2 (15 May)
You thought there weren’t going to be any other superhero films on this list because of Avengers? You were wrong, bucko. Deadpool 2 is hot on its heels with another irreverent take on the genre, a fourth wall-breaking barrel of nonsense that - if it’s even as half as good as the original - will be worth locking yourself in the cinema for. Excitement is high.
Solo: A Star Wars Story (24 May)
It looked for far too long like what for reasons of confusion has to be referred to as “Han Solo’s on-his-own film” might be a bit of a stinker - the drama behind the scenes threatened to be more entertaining and compelling then the film itself. Then the trailer came out, and was fantastic, and the world is confident that this will be amazing. Also Donald Glover can wear the absolute hell out of a cloak.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (6 June)
If you’re the kind of person who isn’t interested in dinosaurs, then, well, please remove yourself from our immediate vicinity. The fifth Jurassic Park film should be on the must-see list for every human being, because dinosaurs are here to stay - of course, they’re literally not, but that shouldn’t stop your feverish excitement about this film from dissipating in any way. Plus, Goldblum.
Ocean’s 8 (22 June)
Not a prequel to Ocean’s 11 despite having the perfect title for one, this is rather a spin-off focusing on a bunch of female robbers. With a top cast including Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Anne Hathaway and Mindy Kaling, it’ll be worth it simply if you like looking at famous people on a large screen. Like, hopefully it’s good, too, but still.
Sicario 2: Soldado (29 June)
The first Sicario came out of nowhere and was not-half good, if we do say so ourselves. This sequel ups the stakes but drops the Emily Blunts, leaving Benicio Del Toro and Josh Brolin to clean up the mess. The trailer is one of the best of the year so far, and if you’ve learned anything in your 136 years on this planet, it’s that films always live up to their trailers.
The First Purge (6 July)
All the Purge movies are good, and this is a fact. Also, they have got better with each instalment, which is just about unheard of nowadays (or, ever?), so we’ve got our fingers well and truly in a right old plait that this horror prequel continues the trend. However, even if it isn’t good, the series will still get better in timeline order, right?
Incredibles 2 (13 July)
Fourteen years after the first one, The Incredibles are back, expect that the sequel is arriving in a world where every film is about superheroes. Will it still manage to stick out and be amazing? Yeah, of course it will, because it’s a Pixar film and they seem close to incapable of releasing a stinker. Catherine Keener is voicing a character named “Evelyn Deavor”, which is the best character name ever.
Skyscraper (13 July)
The Rock, Rock, Rocky, El Rocko, R to the O to the C to the K - whatever you call him, you love him. Everyone loves him. He’s run out of people, cars and giant apes to punch in films, so in this one he’s facing his biggest foe yet: gravity.
Mission: Impossible - Fallout (26 July)
Eventually the stunts in the Mission: Impossible franchise will get so bonkers that they’ll just become real, and Tom Cruise will literally be in gunfights with baddies. That’s how committed he is to outdoing himself. There’ll be a horrible bit in, like, Mission: Impossible 13 where the real actor Tom Cruise gets shot in the stomach with a spike and dies.
Ant-Man And The Wasp (3 August)
More superheroes! But this time… tiny ones! The sequel to the first small-punchy-man film (which was actually really good, wasn’t it) will focus on a character who doesn’t really feel a good fit for the huge bombastics of the Avengers films. It’s a nice little side-road running along concurrently, and it works very well as just that.
Teen Titans Go! To The Movies (3 August)
Yeah, it’s a cartoon and you’re a grown-up, but this is the first time Nicolas Cage has ever got to play Superman in an actual thing that’s ended up coming out. All he’s ever wanted was to play Superman, but fate wasn’t on his side. Enjoy the bittersweet sight of him experiencing his dreams come true with major major caveats (such as solely existing in animated form).
The Meg (10 August)
THIS IS THE ONE WHERE JASON STATHAM KICKS A BIG SHARK IN THE BALLS.
The Spy Who Dumped Me (10 August)
Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon star in this action comedy about two best friends who unexpectedly find themselves in the middle of an international spy-filled conspiracy. Expect silly accents, comedy henchmen, some really good swearing and a bit where they accidentally kill someone and are really horrified, then about thirty seconds later gun down loads of the buggers.
The Equalizer 2 (17 August)
It’s always surprising how many people you meet that haven’t seen The Equalizer. Enough people obviously saw it for them to warrant making a sequel, but you’ve never met any of them. So sort it out, you lot - The Equalizer is a cracking revenge flick with a well-ard Denzel wreaking havoc with a corkscrew like you’ve never seen. More of the same in the sequel, please. ‘Course, nobody knows much about it, but we know Denzel is back, and Game Of Thrones and Narcos’ Pedro Pascal pops up.
Captive State (17 August)
John Goodman stars in this mysterious sci-fi movie from Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes director Rupert Wyatt, set in the years following an alien invasion. One of the few entries on this list not based on a pre-existing property, plot details are scant, but we’re excited - nobody does cuddly/terrifying like Goodman.
Action Point (31 August)
Jackass alumni Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pontius star in this loosely-based-on-a-trueish-story tale of the world’s most dangerous theme park, featuring incredibly painful, real stunts and a hell of a lot of blunt force trauma. Watch the trailer without wincing and you’re a stronger man than most. Proper laugh-out-loud-while-peering-through-your-fingers stuff.
The Predator (13 September)
This might be extremely controversial, but both Alien Vs. Predator films are worth watching because of the simple fact that they have the Predator in them. That’s all you need really - that dreadlocked, be-masked headhunter shooting his big shoulder-gun into the camera, and you’re onto a winner. So if this film is ‘actually good’, then you’re ripe for a prime pant-ripping meltdown in the cinema.