It’s almost the weekend, which means one of two things: 1) You will be going out ‘on the lash’, or 2) You will be staying in and ‘watching TV’. I offer no judgement for either choice - really, you just do you, and don’t let anyone put you down.
I personally think a happy medium between the two is preferable - a big night out pouring pints over your head on the Friday night, then a cocooned evening lamenting life-choices in front of the TV on Saturday night. Or vice versa.
But I’m not bothered about your booze-swilling antics here (I mean, I actually am, please invite me), instead I’m going to chucking a few film and TV recommendations your way for the Big Night In. So pull that duvet over the big scab on your chin and clap your peepers on these bangers:
New at ‘The Pictures’
'Battle Of The Sexes'
Ah, tennis films - you know you’re onto a winner with a tennis film, what with such ‘classics’ as Wimbledon, Match Point and obviously, Balls Out: Gary The Tennis Coach. But actually, supposedly this one is genuinely good, and as such, is currently storming forward with an 85% on Rotten Tomatoes.
It tells the true story of the 1973 match between Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs, so expect lots of press conference scenes and then a big tennis match at the end. Which in my opinion, is a top night out at the movies, if you happen to like those kinds of things. I, however, do not, so will not be watching this.
In cinemas 24 November
New on Netflix
This was the film that made me actually think “Oh, you know what? Maybe Daniel Radcliffe isn’t actually that bad. Turns out he can act.” And since this he’s subsequently become a firm favourite in my book, the name of which is Actors Who I Quite Like, It Turns Out.
The film involves a bloke who is blamed for the death of his girlfriend, and on top of that, wakes up one day to find he has massive horns growing out of his head. Furthermore, these horns can make anyone tell him their darkest secrets, so he uses this new power to find out the real killer.
It’s a mad premise and won’t be for everyone’s tastes, but I right liked it, I’ll tell you that for 5p. Give it a chance.
On Netflix now
Ridley Scott’s science-fiction drama about a bloke trapped on Mars finally makes its way to Netflix, and is yours to watch if you’ve got a spare two hours, 20 minutes, which you don’t, so sorry, you cannot watch this - it is too long.
Pull a sickie and watch it though - go wild.
On Netflix 25 November
'She's Gotta Have It'
This new Netflix Original is an television adaptation from Spike Lee, of his own 1986 movie about a polyamorous painter living in Brooklyn. According to the critics, this ten-parter (all episodes of which are directed by Lee) is a pretty damn good show all in all, and a welcome update to the original. It examines race and sex, like a lot of Spike’s work, and it looks to be gaining enough traction to reach that elusive ‘must-see’ status.
Another bloody hit for those cards over at Netflix - how do they do it?
On Netflix now
On the good old-fashioned idiot box
Unfortunately not a robot movie in the vein of Robocop or The Terminator, which is a disappointment, but it still is a robot movie, and that’s something we should all be grateful for. It’s a little more meditative than a seven-foot cyborg with a gun hidden in his leg shooting up warehouses full of cronies, which is a shame, but it still has enough important questions to ask about artificial intelligence and all that lark, so it’s worth a watch.
Also, it won an Oscar, which is supposedly very ‘impressive’ nowadays.
On Channel 4 at 9pm
1992 WESLEY SNIPES ON A PLANE BLASTING THE BADDIES PIAOW PIAOW PIAOW YES PLEASE
On ITV4 at 11pm
'Let The Right One In'
If you like a good vampire movie, then you owe it to yourself to catch this one, if you haven’t already. Yes, it’s been remade as the slightly more accessible Let Me In, but if you reckon you can deal with subtitles (come on, you can do it), then watch this one instead.
It follows a young kid in Sweden who falls in love with a vampire, as you do, and it’s altogether rather sweet. Until she starts ripping people’s heads off and all that, of course. Either way, it’s top stuff - swerve the remake and bang this one on instead.
On the Horror Channel at 2:20am
Now, I’ve not seen many more overtly, and most definitely cringeworthy, pro-American, pro-military films than this, but holy hell, is it an intense experience. If you can ignore the dripping jingoism, then you’re in for an unbelievably sweaty ordeal - this incredibly visceral flick elbows you in the forehead for its entire running time, it’s completely relentless.
If that sounds up your street, then sign up immediately.
On Channel 4 at 11.05pm
2006 JASON STATHAM ON A MOTORBIKE BLASTING THE BADDIES PIAOW PIAOW PIAOW YES PLEASE
On ITV4 at 11pm
Like your heavy metal, do ya? But feel like your scene is underrepresented in the movie industry? Too many films with hip-hop and electronic soundtracks? Not enough aural brutality? Well, whack on Deathgasm and you’ll find yourself fully catered-for.
It’s about an amateur rock band who accidentally summons a load of demons by playing an evil medieval song, and then have to deal with the shit-storm that occurs as a result. With chainsaws mainly.
It’s absolute nonsense, but glorious nonsense. Glorious chainsaw nonsense. Coincidentally the name of your band, which is rubbish by the way. Give it up.
On the Horror Channel at 11.25pm
'The Robot Will See You Now'
Would you trust a robot therapist? I wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t trust a robot anything (they will all kill us imminently), but it appears that some people would. This documentary follows a deceptively cute robot called Jess, who uses AI to interpret speech and offer advice in return. Presumably that advice is:
“##**PUT YOUR FINGER IN THIS HOLE, I PROMISE I WILL NOT HARM YOU, HUMAN**##”
and then you do, and then it has your DNA, and then humanity ends.
On Channel 4 at 10pm
(Images: Rex/Channel 4)