Here’s everything you need to feast your eyes on for the weekend of 22 December
It’s Christmas in a couple of days, which means you’ll be watching way more television than usual - this is what you do at Christmas. You eat, you sleep, and you watch. It is the true meaning behind this most meaningless of public holidays.
But get involved, I say, and have a watch of some of these dudes - they’re great, I’ll stake my non-existent reputation on it.
New at ‘The Pictures’
'Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle'
Jumanji was brilliant, wasn’t it? A real classic fantasy film, and a great example of Robin Williams in his prime. Sure, it doesn’t fully hold up today (down to a bit of dodgy CGI), but that doesn’t mean it needed a sequel. Nothing ever really needs a sequel.
But fuck it, they made one - they always do. Thing is, it seems to have emerged as resolutely not a disappointment for old and new fans alike. I mean it’s got The Rock in it, and I would happily watch him sleep for two hours, so that skews things toward the positive a tad. Either way, probably worth a watch.
In cinemas now
'Pitch Perfect 3'
I should have hated Pitch Perfect, because acapella is one of the most annoying, sucky, American spine-scratching activities in existence. Oh well, obviously I’m wrong because Pitch Perfect was amazing, and so was the sequel.
Can I stomach another entry of people singing and dancing in time, with one person beatboxing? YES. I CAN. I CAN AND I WILL. NOW KINDLY ACCA-BACK THE FUCK OFF.
In cinemas now
New on streaming services
'John Wick: Chapter 2'
I don’t really think there’s much I can say about this, is there? If you’ve seen John Wick, then you want to see this, right? It is life’s natural progression. You see the I-can’t-believe-you-killed-my-dog movie, and you want to see the I-still-can’t-believe-you-killed-my-dog movie.
Do you consider yourself human? Then engage that soul, kick-start that complex brain and watch John Wick: Chapter 2 before people start to get suspicious. You don’t want the suits at Area 51 kidnapping you.
On Netflix now
I have said on this very website before, that Christmas horror movies are the only Christmas movies. As such, you should watch Krampus because it is exactly that. Don’t have fun on 25 December, despair instead. It’s much more satisfying.
There’s a reason this film made my list of the best Christmas horror flicks of all time, here.
On Netflix 25 December
On the good old-fashioned idiot box
'No One Lives'
Look, this film ain’t very good. It ain’t very good, BUT, I love it. It’s stupid, unrealistic, and violent - but then so is trying to stay afloat in today’s failing climate, and we all do that every single day, so there’s no reason to scoff at this film, princess.
Essentially, it’s about a bunch of people who kidnap a young couple, but it turns out they kidnapped the wrong busters, buster. It’s simple, it’s unintelligent, and it’s so much fun. An hour and a half in which you can forget about the fact that you’ll never be able to afford a house!
On Film 4 at 10.45pm
Revenge, one of life’s greatest and most essential emotions. We can all relate, we can all enjoy, and we can all emulate - as such, Lady Vengeance is crucial viewing.
Also, it’s from Park Chan-wook, and if you’ve seen Oldboy, you know that old boy knows how to deal with revenge. Juicy stuff.
On VICELAND at 12.20am
'First Dates At Christmas'
I mean, come on, First Dates is the best thing on television (Naked Attraction has finished) and it’s the Christmas special, where they get some of the best daters back into the restaurant. My excitement is through the roof.
As a cold-hearted, stone-skinned slab of emotionless sludge, I allow myself this one hour every week to jolt me alive, to boil my cockles and to make me believe in the ‘love myth’. This show completes me.
On Channel 4 at 9pm
It’s your weekly dose of Danny Dyer now - a Dyer a week keeps the doctor away, or something. This time it’s a Danny Dyer horror film, which is actually a good thing (Severance, erm, Dead Cert).
This one is about a bunch of laaaaads who go on a stag do to some weird village that ends up being populated by a horde of maniacal cannibalistic women. Annoying, should have gone to Butlin’s etc.
Top plot aside, it’s also got Noel Clarke and Stephen Graham in it, and it’s so much better than it really has any right to be. Like most of Danny Dyer’s work, really.
On The Horror Channel at 12.50am
Anyway, happy *sigh* Christmas, I guess. Can’t wait for 2018.
(Image: Rex/Relativity Media)