Did you see The Disaster Artist? The film - based on the production of The Room, which is widely regarded as the worst film ever made - was a right royal laugh, I’ll tell ya. The thing is: yes, The Room is bad – really bad – but there is so much worse.
Thankfully, I like to watch this very specific type of bile on the regular, so am fully equipped to “recommend” a steaming bunch of it to you, the gracious reader, hungry for trash.
Basically, if you like The Room, you’re going to love this lot, so open up that dumbwaiter and let me serve you a platter of shit-soup:
Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Much like The Room, Birdemic has turned into a bit of a cultural juggernaut. It started as a passion project for director James Nguyen, a ‘romantic thriller’ about a city attacked by murderous birds – only once people saw it, it gathered momentum for all the wrong reasons. Those reasons being: it’s unbelievably terrible, staggeringly inept and therefore absolutely, cripplingly hilarious. The sound cuts out at random times, shots go in and out of focus for no reason, the acting is worse than your sixth-form leavers play and the CGI is basically clipart. God I love this movie.
I urge you to watch all of the above trailer – like, all the way until the end (for the end, oh the end, is the very best bit). The film, featuring a pre-fame Christina Applegate, is about a musician who loses his hands in an accident, fearing he will never be able to play again. LUCKILY THOUGH, someone invents him some CYBORG HANDS and introduces him to TECHNO MUSIC. The rest, as they say, is a-man-in-a-robot-suit-dancing-like-a-fucking-idiot-behind-a-keyboard-in-front-of-an-inexplicably-appreciative-crowd. So good.
Interestingly (and if you want a bonus bad movie recommendation), that ridiculous robot suit he wears at the end is the exact same one as in the man-dies-but-is-brought-back-as-robot action flick The Vindicator. What a cool fact you can use to impress your mates down the imaginary discotheque.
I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever had more fun watching a movie than this one. Granted, I was steaming pissed and saw it in a cinema full of other steaming pissed people, but seriously, it’s impossible to wipe the smile off your boat the entire way through. In case you were wondering why, it’s because it’s about a rock band made up of taekwondo masters, who go up against a team of drug-dealing motorcycle ninjas. Ninjas, the quietest of bad guys, riding motorcycles, the noisiest of automobiles.
It, much like the others on this list, is chock full of horrid acting, cheesy special effects and a nonsensical plot, but the enthusiasm of the cast shines through – this is nothing but the purest form of entertainment. I cannot get enough of it. Oh, and the soundtrack is so goddamn amazing it makes me want to cry tears of blood out of my ears.
I’ll hazard a guess that you haven’t heard of this movie, even though you’ve definitely heard of Status Quo – the bouncy rock band known for songs like ‘Rockin’ All Over The World’ and that other one that sounds like ‘Rockin’ All Over The World’ and also that other one, you know, the one that sounds like ‘Rockin’ All Over The World’.
Well, yeah, two of them, namely Rick Parfitt and Francis Rossi, were in a film together, in which they played themselves. Not content with simply doing your standard concert film, they decided it would be better if they stuck themselves in a story involving them getting on the wrong side of the mafia in Fiji. It would be better if there were loads of explosions. It would be better if they smashed plates over people’s heads. If they walked into doors and fell over. If every single line was a terrible quip. It’s like all the dads in the whole world got together to make a movie.
To be honest, they were right. It is so much better than a concert film – I genuinely really enjoyed this movie. Yeah, it’s bottom-of-the-barrel stuff, but Rick and Francis are supremely likeable guys, so it’s hard to hate the film despite its many, many flaws. MANY flaws.
I think in place of a trailer, the above clip will tell you all you need to know about this film.
Now, Troll is quite a bad film, but does not belong anywhere near in the pantheon of the truly bad. Troll 2 on the other hand, absolutely, positively does. The film, which was originally titled Goblins, was renamed to cash-in on the ‘success’ of the first one – so yeah, there aren’t even any fucking trolls in it. Essentially, it’s about vegetarian goblins who turn people into plants so that they can eat them.
The film gained such a bad reputation that the lead child actor made a documentary all about the making of the film, called Best Worst Movie in 2009, which, unlike Troll 2, actually got really good reviews.
There seems to be a running theme on this here list, and that theme appears to be: appalling hair. Well, get ready to shift your wigs, homies, because the worst hair of the lot is on display now, front and centre, and it belongs to… SAMURAI COP. I say this, because it actually is a wig – after filming had finished, lead actor Matt Hannon cut his hair off, but a few days later the director called him back in for extensive re-shoots and made him wear a ridiculous wig. He also used pretty much every take they shot, which is why actors visibly fluffing their lines have been kept in the film, or absolutely meaningless quotes like “Now, I'm telling these son of a bitches...” are hilariously present.
Also, in case you wanted more, there’s a sequel – Samurai Cop 2 – but it’s a bit more self-reflective this time around…
I could have included any of so many scenes of people getting chopped up in lurid, unconvincing detail with a chainsaw, but I feel the above clip says a lot more about the film. Pieces is a tragic, hammy rip-off of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the tagline was even “You don’t have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre”), but in many ways it is much, much better. It’s not scary, it’s not well made, it’s not coherent (like the original), but it is absolutely, hip-slappingly hilarious, which is certainly something that TCM certainly didn’t have. No waterbed murders either – you always gotta have a waterbed murder.
Hard Ticket To Hawaii
I highly recommend watching the above clip – it could perhaps be one of the best things you’ll ever see.
No? Not good enough? Try this one on for size:
I ask: have you ever wanted to see a film more? You answer: no, no you haven’t.
Raw Force (aka Kung Fu Cannibals)
Maybe I spoke too soon – it’s quite possible that you want to see this movie more, who knows? A film about a “walking death machine”, a woman whose “deadliest weapon is… her body”, erm, “Hollywood’s top stuntman” and a guy who’s “primed for action with one blow… the death blow” taking on a load of undead martial arts masters?
YEAH I THINK I’LL BE WATCHING THIS THANKS – You.
I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON HERE BUT IT IS MAKING MY LOINS SWELL.