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10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true

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Chris Sayer
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There are two types of human in this world. Firstly, the type that can watch Star Wars and enjoy it for what it is, leaving the cinema or sofa when the credits roll, ready to get on with living their lives the best that they can.

Then there's the other sort. The sort that stays rooted to their seat until the lights go up, wearing a scowl on their face and questioning every little detail their huge brains have just endured. There they stay, asking themselves every why, who, what and when you could imagine, until they can make absolute and complete sense of the 100 minutes of film that's just played out. 

Those are the sorts of people that have come up with these - ten of the darkest, most disturbing film fan theories we've heard.

Prepare for heroes with secret nazi sympathies. Get ready for Star Wars icons that simply aren't what they seem. And arm yourself for an absolute tear-jerker in one of the finest Pixar films ever made.

Spoiler: you'll never be able to watch your favourite films in the same way again. 

 

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true

    Willy Wonka makes his chocolate out of children

    The film: A lunatic in a chocolate factory invites five dreadful little kids on a tour of his workplace, only to unleash all manner of confectionary-based pain on them by way of punishment.

    The theory:  Those children getting sucked up human-sized chocolate pipes, shrunk down to bite-size, and rolled out of the room as a giant delicious blueberries? They’re all about to get slaughtered like pigs and turned into food.

    The evidence: Wonka admits it. He actually admits that kids form up a part of his closely-guarded secret recipe. Probably too traumatic to make it to the film, in the original Roald Dahl book, a sixth child meets her grisly end by falling into a mixer. Her mother screams “You’re grinding them into powder”, to which Wonka replies “Of course, that’s part of the recipe!” Oh, hell no.

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 1

    All the Ghostbusters are dead

    The film: New York City is under attack! From Gozer! Gozer The Destructor! Four men in a knackered old Cadillac with vacuum cleaners on their backs are mankind’s only hope to stop this ghoul in its tracks.

    The theory: As soon as the foursome fired up their proton packs and crossed the streams to close the door to evil Gozer’s really nasty dimension, they died. Yeah, that’s it. They’re dead. Spectacularly dead.

    The evidence: “But there’s a theory-disproving sequel,” we hear you scream. BIG DEAL. Conspirators reckon that the second Ghostbusters instalment is simply Venkman, Spengler, Zeddemore and Stanz trapped in purgatory, because the narrative is essentially just a skewed version of the first. And really, if someone as smart as Egon Spengler tells you that crossing the streams would be “very bad” and like “all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of life”, you’re going to believe them, right?

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 2

    Indiana Jones was a Nazi

    The film: The Raiders Of The Lost Ark, in which whip-crackin’ Indie is hired to unearth the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazi’s get their grubby little mitts on it and use its holy powers for evil.

    The theory: Our snake-hating hero isn’t the good guy we all thought he was. In fact, he’s the worst. He’s a secret servant of one Adolf Hitler. Noooo! 

    The evidence: All Indie had to do was let the Nazi’s fly the Ark back to their Fuhrer, as intended. But no. No. He just couldn’t do that, could he. Instead, he decided to blow up their plane carrying the precious cargo, and allow an entire World War to ensue. The Nazis, stupid as they were, would have opened the relic in front of history’s most evil douchebag and in doing so blown the little ‘tache from his stupid face, as well as all his high-powered pals. In destroying the plane mid-flight and killing lowly Nazi soldiers, Doctor Jones saved Hitler. Why? Because he’s a freaking idiot? Or a secret Hitler lover? We know which one our money’s on.  

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 3

    ET is a lying Jedi from Star Wars

    The film: Boy finds alien. Boy looks after alien. Boy rides bike to the moon with alien. Alien goes on to be captured by an evil British telecommunications company and forced to advertise their phone services in commercial breaks throughout the late 90s.

    The theory: ET never needed to ‘phone home’. Why? Because he clearly has the mind powers of a freakin’ JEDI.

    The evidence: You know that ET and a couple of his pals turn up in The Phantom Menace, right? Oh, you missed that? Get it on and fast-forward to the part in the Senate on Coruscant, right when Amidala is harping on about that vote of no confidence. See, right there (pictured), our little weird friends are shouting for the vote from their own little senate pod. Doesn’t stop there though. You can also clearly see Yoda shuffling about in Spielberg’s 1982 classic, and when ET spots him, he says “HOME” over and over again. Why? Clearly, clearly, they’re from the same place. Questioning your entire childhood right now, aren’t you. 

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 4

    Star Wars’ Obi-Wan Kenobi is a robot

    The film: It’s Star Wars. We don’t have to explain it, do we? Good. Let’s move on.

    The theory: Obi-Wan wasn’t a fatherly Jedi warrior, but actually OB-1 – an artificially-made clone.

    The evidence: One clearly built by frustrated die-hard Star Wars fans, this. It’s no secret that there were some huge plot holes relating to Obi-Wan through the messed up franchise narrative, such as his not knowing who R2-D2 was in A New Hope even though the little trash can saved his life in Episode 1. The answer? ‘Cos he’s a clone, a robot, a perfect battle machine built to fight the ‘clone wars’ described in the original trilogy. Plot holes closed. 

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 5

    The Pulp Fiction briefcase holds Marcellus’ soul

    The film: A guy with some pretty suspect dance moves, a man who knows his Bible quotes, and a bloke who wears a watch that’s been up a man’s butt collide in a hail of bullets, blood, bad words and burgers.

    The theory: For more than two decades, Tarantino fans have hotly debated what possibly could’ve been in the briefcase, the one which glows ethereally when opened. Is it diamonds? Could it be a little nuclear device? Hell no. It’s GOT TO BE the soul of the movie’s gang kingpin Marsellus Wallace, which he’s clearly sold to Satan and now really wants back. Obvs.

    The evidence: First up, you noticed that plaster Wallace wears on the back of his neck? That’s the exact spot that Satan tears your soul from your body, according to mythology. Next, it goes some way to explain how zero bullets hit Jules and Vincent in the apartment shoot-out: divine intervention, with God protecting the two shepherds of the soul. Oh, and of course the numerical code for the case is 666, also known as The Number Of The Beast.

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 6

    BTTF’s DeLorean was a suicide machine

    The film: A Californian kid in a red body warmer goes back in time in a junk heap car to make sure his parent’s get jiggy with it. Gross.

    The theory: The lonely science-based life of Back To The Future’s Doc Brown had got too much for him, and his final invention would be one that helped him leave this world in a spectacular blaze of electricity, Flux Capacitors and assorted DeLorean parts.

    The evidence: You’ll notice that Doc bangs on about how few of his inventions have actually worked, and that he’s not once tested out his DeLorean before sticking his little pooch Einstein in the front seat and standing right in the path of the speeding vehicle. What for? He clearly has no faith in his previous ideas, so it’s not ballsy confidence in his creation. Pure insanity? Possibly, given his clearly messed-up mental state. Or an out from the Libyans that are dead-set on finding him for his plutonium? Hmm… 

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 7

    The Dark Knight’s Joker is a troubled war veteran

    The film: The gravel-voiced caped avenger must stop a psycho clown from reducing Gotham City to piles of rubble. 

    The theory: The Joker’s batsh*t actions and mental state in The Dark Knight are all down to a traumatic military past.

    The evidence: Trust us – you don’t get awesome fighting skills and the brains to plan a bank siege just by messing around with card tricks all day. Batman’s baddest baddy surely had some military training in his past, perhaps Special Ops, which would go some way as to explain how he can endure such intense interrogations without cracking, and has no records for The Bat to sift through. Then, there’s the truly awful mental and physical scars that warfare can leave on a man, which could be a way of explaining The Joker’s own insanity and facial disfigurations. 

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 8

    Toy Story is simply Andy coping with his parents’ divorce

    The film: Toys come alive in a boy’s bedroom when he’s not looking. Then a space man arrives, messes everything up for a cowboy with a snake in his boot, and attends a tea party with one arm while wearing a pinnie and pretending to be ‘Mrs Nesbit’. There is also a potato with a face.

    The theory: All of this, all of it, is just a coping mechanism for young boy Andy and a way of dealing with his parents’ divorce.

    The evidence: Wow, this is a depressing one. First, please note that Andy’s mum is not wearing a wedding ring. Nor is Andy’s dad ever mentioned. Also, good luck scanning the background for a photo of him hanging in the house. Then, there’s the whole moving house thing, with reasons unspecified. Is Andy imagining his prized possessions as walking, talking friends to take his mind off the breakdown of his family unit? Well, how absolutely heart-wrenching. 

  • 10 horrifying film fan theories that make too much sense to not be true 9

    Home Alone’s Kevin McCallister is the serial killer from Saw

    The film: Little brat gets left at home while his entire family head to Europe for Christmas. Ends up defending his home from two burglars with a series of traps, an air rifle, a tarantula, and the immortal line “keep the change, ya filthy animal.”

    The theory: Kevin McCallister grew up to be Jigsaw from the Saw franchise. Yes, this is absolutely the greatest fan theory ever.

    The evidence: We could talk about the psychological damage caused by being left behind by his parents. We could talk about the traps left for The Wet Bandits as being a precursor to the far bloodier, far more sadistic ‘little games’ Jigsaw makes his victims play. Or, we could just leave you with this video, which looks at Kevin's face next to Jigsaw's, and let your mind explode at how similar they clearly look. IT HAS TO BE TRUE. 

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Chris Sayer

Chris Sayer is a freelance journalist and editor based in London. Chris has interviewed some of the biggest names in entertainment and travelled the world doing an all manner of adventures for lots of brilliant magazines. He writes for Shortlist about booze but would probably prefer we let him write about fishing instead. Follow Chris on Twitter: @ChrisSayer00

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