We all have a favourite Christmas movie. A film that we dust off once a year to whisk us back to a time when we didn’t get giddy over the prospect of new socks and H&M vouchers. They are closely held relics of a time when Christmas felt truly magical.
But Hollywood doesn’t care about your ‘favourite movie’. All Hollywood cares about is cold, hard, Christmas cash – and if your cherished memories get in the way, they’re more than happy to trample them into the snow…
Jingle All The Way 2
To be fair, Arnold Schwarzenegger was never very believable in his small-town-suburban-dad roles. Walking around town in XXXXL plaid shirts, picking up office phones as if the receiver wouldn’t immediately crumble apart in his microwave-sized hands.
So it’s understandable that the producers of Jingle All The Way 2 would opt to downgrade for this sequel; and downgrade they did. Way down. Deep-beneath-the-Earth’s-crust down, until they happened upon Larry The Cable Guy – America’s favourite racist, redneck ‘comedian’.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2
A perfect combination of schmaltzy yuletide cheer and slapstick laughs made the original an immediate Christmas family favourite upon its release in 1989.
But did you know there was a sequel? Starring Randy Quaid? And that it was the worst thing that’s ever existed?
So bad, this film, that there are barely any clips of it on the internet. It’s too bad for the internet. Think about that for a second. But only after watching Randy Quaid stab a pig in the head. Hilarious!
Home Alone: Holiday Heist
Yep, they’re still going – and despite the fact that it stars Darnell from My Name Is Earl (oh how we miss you Darnell), Holiday Heist is almost certainly the worst iteration yet.
Why? Probably because, you know, the kid isn’t actually home alone – which is the very least you should expect from a movie called Home Alone. We much prefer Macaulay Culkin’s new version, anyway.
A Christmas Story 2: The Official Sequel
A Christmas Story 2: The Official Sequel goes to great lengths to let you know that it is, indeed, an ‘Official Sequel’. Why? Are people really going around making unofficial sequels to A Christmas Story? And if they are, can we watch those instead? Because this is officially garbage.
Rudolph’s Shiny New Year
Watching the 1964 stop-motion TV classic Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer is truly the Christmas-iest thing you can ever do.
But the sequel? Why should we care about what he gets up to on NYE? You’re not going to be the only one with a red nose come 12 o’clock, Rudolph. You’re not special anymore. So shut up.
Elf: Buddy’s Musical Christmas
Is nothing sacred in this cruel world?
A TV-only sequel where the actors are replaced by claymation, Will Ferrell is replaced by Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, and the jokes are replaced by a sense of all-consuming dread. Oh, and songs.
Beauty and the Beast: Enchanted Christmas
Okay okay, the original wasn’t actually a Christmas movie – but this is a Christmas sequel, so we’re allowed to hate it as much as any other film on this list, alright? Alright.
Released in 1997, in the midst of Disney’s better-left forgotten era of endless straight-to-VHS sequels, Beauty and the Beast: Enchanted Christmas is actually set in the middle of the first film. Confusing, right? What do you even call that? That’s not a new film. That’s a deleted scene.
For that reason, and that reason alone, it’s on our sh*t list.
Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Now whoa there, easy boy, calm down: sure, Gremlins 2 isn’t awful at all. It’s actually pretty good. But it also introduced Greta – the sexy gremlin. Or at least, the gremlin that the internet finds sexy. And when the internet finds something sexy, you know what happens next.
That’s right: TERRIFYING COSPLAY.
The Santa Clause 2
The original centered on a town of adults who refused to believe in Santa Clause, despite the fact that Christmas presents magically appeared under their trees every year. It was stupid.
But you know what’s even more stupid? This sequel, where a robot Santa and his legion of toy soldiers take control of the North Pole while the real St Nick pops off to organize an arranged marriage.
The Santa Clause 3
But you know what’s even more stupid? Santa Clause 3, where St. Nick gets in a fight with Martin Short because who even cares anymore? Why Disney? It’s already dead.
Tim. Tim stop. Think of the children.