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An American has taken out an ad in The Times claiming he’s the rightful king of England

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Gary Ogden
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Who wouldn’t love to be king? You get to sit on a throne, eat huge turkey legs like a badman and smite your enemies when and wherever you want. It’s so much more fun than sitting at a desk all day, merely smiting the odd co-worker with a passive-aggressive Post-It. As such, some happy-go-lucky American has decided that he’d quite like a pop at being king, and has worked out a way to do it.

He genuinely believes he’s the rightful heir to the throne and to let us peasants know, he’s taken out a huge ad in The Times revealing his plans to seize power in 30 days. Here it is in its full, outrageous majesty:

He certainly seems pretty convinced. He’s also used long words that don’t mean anything anymore, like “primogeniture” and “government”, to confuse us simpletons. Of course, it would take a lot of research to substantiate his claims and it’s not our job to do it, but he looks like he’s done his homework. Essentially, he’s probably not going to take this lying down – he even reps the Isle of Man, you gotta get that lot on side.

He rounds off his announcement by essentially comparing himself to something out of Lord Of The Rings, which might not have been the best idea, but each king to their own, we guess. Of course, we could all be wrong and in a month or so we’ll have a brand new, American king. If so, we’ll be in the stocks outside the Tower of London in approx 33 days – come see us.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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