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52 weeks of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson: week 31

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Ralph Jones
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The Rock makes an absolutely staggering announcement about his family.

A startling revelation in the ceaselessly entertaining world of Dwayne Johnson this week. Oh yes. The Rock Report brings you the scoops the liberal mainstream media elite are too scared to cover.

On 13 August, Rebecca Theodore-Vachon – a film and TV critic for various publications – asked the following question:

We’ve all thought it. Rebecca Theodore-Vachon has the courage to say it.

Moments later, the man himself responded:

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This is a fascinating, extremely public admission. To my knowledge, no media outlet has covered the news.

The Rock has a twin.

The Rock doesn’t just have a twin. His twin – and this is difficult to believe, but it’s straight from the horse’s mouth – does most of The Rock’s work for him. 

Let’s repeat that because it’s a shocking fact: The Rock’s secret twin does most of The Rock’s work for him. 

While his twin is carrying out the arduous, back-breaking work that goes into being The Rock, Dwayne – BY HIS OWN ADMISSION – is sat on his arse drinking tequila. It actually makes me a bit sick.

The implications here are momentous. I am assuming, as I think you are, that the twin is identical. All the clues point this way. So how do we know when we are watching The Rock and when we are watching The Rock’s twin?? Why does The Rock’s twin take none of the credit for his own work? Was it The Rock’s twin in all of the Fast and Furious films (which are about friendship, not cars btw)? Was it the real Rock in the Baywatch movie? Who’s in the duds, and who’s in the bangers?

When you think about the arrangement in any detail, the complexities are overwhelming. When people are talking to The Rock’s twin, they might – BECAUSE THEY DON’T REALISE THE ROCK HAS A TWIN – refer to something The Rock did, only to be greeted by absolute bafflement by The Rock. “What the hell is this guy on about?” thinks The Rock. “Why does The Rock have no idea what I’m on about?” thinks the other person, who just wants to become The Rock’s friend. 500 miles away, because of a telepathic connection, The Twin realises an awkward conversation is happening. His twin sense is tingling.

Other, myriad questions abound: have the pair of brothers ever attempted a Parent Trap-style swapsy, in which the twin pretends to their parents that he is The Rock, and vice versa? Are there any photographs of them together? Is The Rock’s wife in on the whole thing? HOW MANY people are in on the whole thing?

Furthermore, the revelation begs the question: if the existence of the twin was such a tightly-guarded secret, why did The Rock choose now as the moment to reveal it? Perhaps, burdened by the guilt involved in millions of people praising him for his incredible work ethic and metabolism, he decided that his secret twin deserves some credit for the astonishing amount of work he puts in. Not only all of the acting and interviews, but the gigantic cover-up in which he is complicit.

Now that The Rock has put his cards on the table, it is time for his twin to come out from under the table and reveal his face. Which, of course, will look exactly like the face right next to him.

This mystery runs deep. This is only just the beginning.

Stay hungry, stay humble.

Peruse The Rock Report archive right here

(Illustration: Dan Evans)

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Ralph Jones

Ralph Jones

Ralph Jones is a staff writer for ShortList magazine. In April 2015 he won a seven-foot throne of dildos but he’d rather you didn’t mention it. He performs sketch comedy and is on Twitter at @OhHiRalphJones

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