As the very existence of 'Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps' proves, TV bosses don’t always get it right.
What’s worse, however, is that for every long-running snore-fest, there are a dozen potentially brilliant series that get overlooked. Here are the ten best pilots never to receive that coveted green light…
The two funniest females on the planet (apologies, Sarah Silverman) combine in a comedy so gloriously dark, it makes Chris Morris’ Jam look like On The Buses. Julia ‘Nighty Night’ Davis and Jessica ‘Spaced’ Hynes co-write and star as a pair of downtrodden housewives driven to bloodthirsty distraction by their husbands’ insults, adultery and occasional shoe-defecation. A kind of demented Thelma-and-Louise-for-the-new-millenium, Lizzie and Sarah was inexplicably passed on by the easily-horrified Beeb.
Cluub Zarathustra (1996)
It’s a bold move for a pilot to open with the words, “Attention, scum: you are nothing” and end with the words, “Insert more money”. A bold move which - if Cluub Zarathustra is anything to go by - probably won’t land you a series. Directed by Stewart Lee and starring the criminally-underexposed Simon Munnery as big-hatted aphorist ‘The League Against Tedium’, this mixture of surreal stand-up and nightmare opera left Channel 4 bigwigs feeling confused and temporarily cash-strapped. It was eventually re-invented for the BBC as Attention Scum!, which you can see a clip from here, as the original is hugely NSFW.
Baffled! (1973)
“I’m speechless”, reads a comment below the Baffled! trailer on YouTube. And with good reason. This feature-length TV movie starred Leonard Nimoy as a racing driver with psychic powers. Hang on, stick with it. It gets better. Nimoy – who resembles a wrinkled Gareth Bale – spends the show motoring through picturesque English countryside, accompanied by a long-suffering female sidekick, in a quest to solve supernatural mysteries with his magic mind. Why, oh why, was this not given a proper chance?
Heat Vision and Jack (1999)
Sometimes, not even the backing of Hollywood’s biggest names can guarantee a pilot its own series. This Garth Marenghi-esque sci-fi spoof was directed by Ben Stiller and starred Jack Black as a splendidly pompous ex-astronaut and Owen Wilson as his talking motorbike. “Some of you will be aroused”, promised Stiller in his introductory monologue, “others may be entertained”. Unfortunately for comedy fans, the folks at the Fox Network were neither and Heat Vision… remained a one-off.
What’s Alan Watching? (1989)
While this may sound like a failed Partridge pitch, in which Alan expands on his televisual habits, it was actually a sort of proto-Malcolm In The Middle, charting the antics of a chirpy teenager and his dysfunctional family. As well as breaking the fourth wall by having the protagonist speak to the camera, the show also managed to break the fifth wall, by giving him the ability to chat casually with characters inside his own telly. Impressive. But not impressive enough, apparently.
Mainly For Men (1969)
In 2010, the effortlessly irritating James May’s Man Lab has been allocated three episodes. In 1969, Mainly For Men – another magazine show aimed squarely at gung-ho ‘chaps’ - wasn’t even offered a second. The pilot contains features on - to quote the polo-necked presenter - “new inventions on the automobile and some delectable damsels”. The highlight, though, is an item about the Venus de Milo who, according to our high-collared friend, “had a few Romans getting all hot under the old toga”.
Lookwell (1991)
In between making his name as a caped vigilante and re-inventing himself as an unhinged cartoon mayor, Adam West found time to star in this uproarious pilot. Co-written by Conan O’Brien, Lookwell is the story of a washed-up actor who believes that his past experience playing a TV detective gives him the right to fight real crime. West’s brilliantly deadpan delivery – in addition to some sharp scripting – will leave you wondering what on earth prevented US execs from snapping it straight up…
Jake’s Journey (1988)
Recorded just a year before his death, Jake’s Journey was Graham Chapman’s last ever screen venture. Clearly banking on the post-Holy Grail theory that ‘Monty Python + medieval things = instant success’, Chapman dusted off his chain mail and got his ‘joust’ firmly back on. However, despite (or perhaps because of) some amusing talking lobsters and a cameo from Peter Cook, the American audience found it “too British”, and Jake’s journey turned out to be a very short one indeed.
Alexander The Great (1968)
Another appearance by a former Enterprise crew member here, with William Shatner taking the lead in this action-packed drama about the immodestly-titled Grecian king. The staccato-voiced polymath is shown massacring Persians, eyeing up belly-dancers and generally perspiring heavily while wearing what is essentially a primitive cocktail dress. Alexander… was filmed in 1964 but shelved until Shatner had accrued a decent-sized fanbase through his appearances in Star Trek. Even then, however, the show still wasn’t picked up.
Gay Robot (2006)
No, it’s not a C3PO spin-off. In fact, this campus-set comedy was born out of an Adam Sandler sketch which featured – as you may have guessed – a homosexual android. It’s very much a one-joke show (the joke being that there’s a robot and – wait for it - he’s gay) but that doesn’t prevent it from being rather amusing at times. May not have quite stretched across 12 episodes, though.
