The planet's unluckiest animals

Mother Nature dealt them a terrible hand

Evolution – or ‘God’, as it’s often labelled – is an eccentric business. The various traits that many animals either possess or acquire sometimes defy rational explanation. Some are just minor inconveniences – for instance, all polar bears are left-handed, which must make buying stationery a real hassle. Additionally, duck quacks don’t echo, which means the poor birds will never know the innocent joy of bellowing rude words in an underpass.

However, many of nature’s blueprints go beyond ‘mildly irrational’ into ‘just plain cruel’. Join us, if you will, in examining some of Planet Earth’s most unfortunate species. Let us know in the comments what we've missed and why...

(Images: Rex Features)

1. Bee

The humble bumblebee has it pretty damn tough. Its job is an HR nightmare, involving monstrous working hours, pitiful pay and frequent bouts of joyless sexual intercourse with flowers. On top of that, as soon as it loses its rag and decides to let off steam by stinging someone, it immediately drops down dead. All the while, its distant cousin, the wasp, divides its time between dozing on windows, gate-crashing picnics and stinging anyone within a 10 metre radius. Clearly, in the black ‘n’ yellow insect world, nice guys finish last.

2. Seahorse

Despite the watertight premise of Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, it is actually extremely unlikely that a man could ever become pregnant. And that’s not just in humans - most living creatures on this planet rely upon the female to bear their offspring. Spare a thought, then, for the poor male seahorse, who not only has to carry his wife’s child but also has to take stick about it from all his fishy mates down the pub. Next time your friends accuse you of being ‘under the thumb’ for spending the night in with your ladyfriend, just think – it could be much, much worse.

3. Scorpion

Whether it’s a glass of champagne at a wedding or sixteen pints of lager on a bar crawl, we all like a drink every now and again. However, the unfortunate scorpion will never know the pleasure of merry intoxication, as just a single drop of alcohol on its body causes it go mad and promptly sting itself to death. Which basically means festivals, gigs, birthday parties and any event involving the attendance of Charlie Sheen are strictly out of bounds. Even if it just sticks to orange juice.

4. Penguin

Is there any crueller evolutionary quirk than the flightless bird? The best thing about being a bird, surely, is being able to fly. So, a flightless bird is essentially no different than a hot dog without a sausage or an episode of The Thick of It without any swearing. Penguins have the unfortunate edge over the likes of emus and ostriches, as – unlike the majority of their avian comrades – they also mate for life. So, while the rest of the feathered community is flapping about cheerfully and embracing the concept of free love, the penguin is at home, putting up shelves and getting laid once a year.

5. Rat

Some might say that having to live in a sewer and eat litter all day is enough punishment for one creature. Not Mother Nature. She decided to include an addendum on the rat’s already substantial list of grievances, which decreed that its teeth would grow at a frighteningly rapid rate. This means that the poor creature must keep chewing at all times, or its swiftly-lengthening incisors will puncture the roof of its mouth and pierce its brain. Immediately killing it in one of the most painful ways imaginable. Not ideal, let's be honest.

6. Ferret

Since we’ve had one species with a luckless male, it’s only right that we include one with an unfortunate female too. Step forward, the ferret. You see, mating season is a uniquely stressful time for the lady ferret. If she doesn’t manage to cop off with a member of the opposite sex when she’s in heat, she can’t just slink home and watch Bridget Jones with a glass of Shiraz. No. Instead, she dies. Instantly. Good news for drunk male ferrets looking to hook up at the end of a night out; bad news for mammalian feminism.

7. Cockroach

Yes, in the event of nuclear holocaust, roaches will survive. But if the Fallout video game series is anything to go by, surviving a nuclear holocaust isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it looks rubbish. However, it’s not their nuke-proof bodies that have prompted the cockroach’s inclusion here, but rather their ability to continue living for two weeks after their heads have been cut off. It's impressive, but be honest – how much fun would that two weeks really be? Tottering about aimlessly, tripping over furniture, generally making an utter fool of yourself: the roach has been given the gift of life after death, without actually being able to do anything useful with it.

The Planet's Unluckiest Animals - ShortLists - ShortList Magazine