TV execs are strange folk. While Twin Peaks get cancelled after just two seasons, dross like Everybody Loves Raymond manages to run for nine whole years. For every awful show that makes it through season after season, there are fifteen more that stall much earlier.
Here, for your non-viewing pleasure, are those very shows...
The most self-explanatory title since Snakes on a Plane, this mind-bending gem of an idea sees various contestants carrying out a selection of frantic gameshow tasks but with a monkey tethered to them at all times. Unconfirmed sources also suggested that the player would also be suffering from an addiction, just to get the most out of the show's title.
Humans compete against animals in various sports in a bizarre game show that scarily made it to air in the States. Highlights included a sprinter racing a giraffe and then a zebra and an elephant pitted against 44 midgets as they tried to pull DC-10 jets. Unsurprisingly, yet sadly, animal rights groups freaked out and the UK version (presented by John Fashanu) was shelved. Damn you ITV.
All women are desperate to look good for their wedding. But this US show gives crazed bride-to-bes a chance to win plastic surgery for the big day. Weekly winners get minor procedures (a tummy tuck, a nose job) while the "lucky" champ gets a full transformation. Her husband then sees the results at the altar. Who doesn't want a wife that looks nothing like the woman they proposed to?
Coming across like The Running Man meets Battle Royale, this brilliantly unhinged idea sees 12 convicted felons fending for themselves while being tracked down by celebrity manhunters, including Lou The Hulk Ferrigno. A strange website still exists giving us hope for the unproduced show. If for nothing else, it would cause so much hysteria that the Daily Mail may self-combust.
For once, it's all our fault. This UK-borne idea saw a group of people placed inside a biosphere and recorded Big Brother-style. The catch? They would be inundated with diseases and the show would become an endurance test to see who could stick it out. Reassuringly there wouldn't have been any "dangerous" bugs, just annoying ones. Prime-time TV torture that sadly didn't get made.
Celebrities can be trusted with anything. Walking down red carpets, talking about themselves, policing a small town...wait, hang on. The ridiculous premise saw celebs (including Jack Osbourne, LaToya Jackson and the little guy from Jackass) train to become police officers and then go on patrols with the real thing. One of the highlights included them all being tasered, just because.
Sounding worryingly similar to 30 Rock's spoof TV show MILF Island, this failed pitch pitted real-life virgins against each other to win the ultimate prize of sex with a porn star. It was developed by the guy who helped promote Paris Hilton's sex tape and he even placed ads to recruit the carnally unaware, probably in Warhammer stores. Jenna Jameson was "approached" to star.
Ant and Dec, a duo not known for breaking the boundaries, pitched a new segment for their Saturday morning show SM:TV which would involve a Sikh hiding in the audience, hence the punny title. ITV surprisingly said no, which is strange given that the show also boasted sketches called Fart Attack and The Vicar of Dribbley.
As the very existence of 'Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps' proves, TV bosses don’t always get it right.
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Ah, the Littlest Hobo. Such gallant adventures. Such noble causes. You wouldn’t stay for long, we’d turn…
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