Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

Do not watch this horrendous video of the world's most dangerous rope-free rock climb

climb.jpg

The last thing I climbed was a tree, back when I was about 16 – it was the pride and joy of my friend’s dad and was a major talking point in his beautiful garden. I sat on the very biggest branch – surely that could take the weight of an averagely-built teenaged lout with not one, but two slits shaved into his left eyebrow?

No, it could not: it snapped, destroyed the tree and my friend’s dad had a massive go at me. I actually don’t think I went round his house again.

Moral of the story: don’t climb things.

This life-motto, however, seems to have bypassed a one Alex Honnold – a man so insubordinate, so disobedient, so bloody-minded that he decided to directly defy my orders by climbing one of the most dangerous rock faces in the world. Without a fucking goddamn rope.

Alex (who I’ll be expecting to see in detention next week) climbed up the infamous 3,000ft wall of El Capitan at Yosemite National Park, California.

Someone videoed it, and, don’t watch it, essentially. But actually don’t. It’s stupid and I hate it. He hasn’t got a rope on, he could have died, it’s shit and it makes me feel sick. I’ve had enough of it.

Here’s the video, but don’t watch it, remember:

Really, really silly that is. How in any way is that even remotely enjoyable? My mind would be a constantly skipping record: ohfuckohshitohfuckohshitohfuckohshitohfuckohshit. I would let out a tiny fart with each leg movement. I'd heave into my cheeks with every gust of wind. When I finally got to the top, if you took off my boxers, it would look like a squirrel had hidden his stash of nuts right there in the gusset.

It took him 3 hours 56 minutes. 3 HOURS 56 MINUTES. One bum-nut for every minute.

Stupid video, never watch it, disgusting.

(Image: National Geographic)

Related

white.png

Here's a 200kg great white shark jumping into a fisherman's boat

fass.png

The nature of fear - according to Michael Fassbender

flip.jpg

A trampoline park with laser tag and a mega slide is coming to London

More

Pictures Reddit say it's impossible to see without laughing

Bet you can't get to the end without at least cracking a smile

by Gary Ogden
24 Aug 2017

Sylvanian Families with dark, twisted captions is hilarious

Prepare to have your childhood ruined

by Dave Fawbert
23 Aug 2017

If you use these 27 words it proves you're definitely not posh

But there's also 27 words that prove you are...

by Tom Victor
23 Aug 2017

German supermarket find genius way to make point about racism

They really hammered home the message

by Tom Victor
23 Aug 2017

Man ghosts girlfriend of three years, now she's his boss

Revenge is going to be so sweet...

by Gary Ogden
23 Aug 2017

The traditional stag do is dying, and guess whose fault it is...

What's the point of a stag do without far too much booze?

by Dave Fawbert
23 Aug 2017

Stormzy calls out Met Police for bizarre Notting Hill Carnival tweet

Once again, he is spot on

by Dave Fawbert
22 Aug 2017

A story saying Big Ben will be renamed for Muslims has upset idiots

Winding up racists - never not funny

by Dave Fawbert
21 Aug 2017

13 facts about cheating all couples need to know

Number one fact: Don't do it

by Gary Ogden
21 Aug 2017

Londoners have revealed their favourite and most-hated Tube lines

Which is your favourite line?

by Dave Fawbert
21 Aug 2017