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The Twitter Index

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Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)

June 21st

Rising: "North by North West"

If a topical gag immediately springs to mind, it’s 99% likely that someone will have thought of it already. Below are just a few of the many millions who have failed to heed Gideon’s sage advice today. The joke is being tweeted hundreds of times an hour by people who are convinced that they’re the first to think of it. The repetition has pushed this thing way, way beyond humour. It has become an artwork. A Reichian incantation. To properly illustrate my point I’d have to make this Twitter Index entry about four miles long, but I’ll spare you. Maybe just one more – one of the 65 virtually identical jokes that have been posted since I started writing this entry: Get your live joke update right here.


June 20th

Falling: "I am in you"

No-one is obliged to be interesting on Twitter. That's partly what makes it more of an accurate reflection of human life than Facebook, or a confessional blog, or a tell-all autobiography; mundane thoughts are splurged into the ether, combining to form a chequerboard of this and that, the spellbinding alternating with the sterile. One of the things we like to do is to tell people where we are – especially if it's somewhere where we usually aren't. It doesn't have to be far from home. It could be just around the corner. Or it could be vaguely exotic: But describing your whereabouts by saying "I am in [placename]" lost its currency around mid-2011. The correct syntax, if you wish to observe Twitter etiquette, is "[placename], I am in you." This can be neatly and amusingly subverted, if you're feeling inventive: But generally, people aren't feeling that inventive. They're just, you know, somewhere, and their phone is switched on. Memo all depts: No-one in the history of Twitter has yet tweeted the phrase "Trouble, I am in you" when they're in trouble. Possibly because people in trouble generally don't have the time to impose Germanic sentence structure on tweets describing their predicament. But if you fancy being the first, knock yourself out. Be my guest. Just don't follow it up with "Custody, I am in you", "Prison, I am in you" or "Death row, I am on you."



TIME's new Donald Trump interview is very, very worrying

Just when you thought he'd changed...

by Emily Badiozzaman
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Your £5 note is worth £50,000 if it has this secret doodle

by Sam Rowe
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Revealed: why Chinese tourists were going to that Oxford village

This actually makes some sense

by Dave Fawbert
07 Dec 2016

Polish Christmas ad outfoxes John Lewis

The advert has clocked four million YouTube hits and is jerking tears worldwide

by Sam Rowe
07 Dec 2016

This is how to get 18 days off work with just 9 days holiday in 2017

Get booking now before everyone else realises

by Dave Fawbert
06 Dec 2016

Prosecco and mulled wine tea bags are here

Have yourself a very merry festive time

by Dave Fawbert
06 Dec 2016

Here are the reasons why people stay in miserable relationships

A new study has explained why miserable couples stay together

by Tom Fordy
06 Dec 2016

London is getting its first gin hotel this December

We speak to the geniuses behind the opening of Portobello Road's epic sleep over distillery

by Jamie Carson
06 Dec 2016

Nigel Farage shortlisted for TIME Magazine's 2016 Person of the Year

Adolf Hitler held the title in 1938, so there’s that

by Joe Ellison
06 Dec 2016

Here are the words that other countries use to describe relationships

All the terms that would be much better to describe your 'life partner'

by David Cornish
05 Dec 2016