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The Twitter Index

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Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)

June 21st

Rising: "North by North West"

If a topical gag immediately springs to mind, it’s 99% likely that someone will have thought of it already. Below are just a few of the many millions who have failed to heed Gideon’s sage advice today. The joke is being tweeted hundreds of times an hour by people who are convinced that they’re the first to think of it. The repetition has pushed this thing way, way beyond humour. It has become an artwork. A Reichian incantation. To properly illustrate my point I’d have to make this Twitter Index entry about four miles long, but I’ll spare you. Maybe just one more – one of the 65 virtually identical jokes that have been posted since I started writing this entry: Get your live joke update right here.


June 20th

Falling: "I am in you"

No-one is obliged to be interesting on Twitter. That's partly what makes it more of an accurate reflection of human life than Facebook, or a confessional blog, or a tell-all autobiography; mundane thoughts are splurged into the ether, combining to form a chequerboard of this and that, the spellbinding alternating with the sterile. One of the things we like to do is to tell people where we are – especially if it's somewhere where we usually aren't. It doesn't have to be far from home. It could be just around the corner. Or it could be vaguely exotic: But describing your whereabouts by saying "I am in [placename]" lost its currency around mid-2011. The correct syntax, if you wish to observe Twitter etiquette, is "[placename], I am in you." This can be neatly and amusingly subverted, if you're feeling inventive: But generally, people aren't feeling that inventive. They're just, you know, somewhere, and their phone is switched on. Memo all depts: No-one in the history of Twitter has yet tweeted the phrase "Trouble, I am in you" when they're in trouble. Possibly because people in trouble generally don't have the time to impose Germanic sentence structure on tweets describing their predicament. But if you fancy being the first, knock yourself out. Be my guest. Just don't follow it up with "Custody, I am in you", "Prison, I am in you" or "Death row, I am on you."



Michael Moore just explained why Trump will win the US election

“Trump’s election WILL be the biggest 'fuck you' recorded in human history"

by Tom Fordy
28 Oct 2016

The unwritten rules of travel etiquette

We've written them down, so now there's no excuse

by David Cornish
27 Oct 2016

World on track to lose two-thirds of animals by 2020

*Slow hand clap*

by Tom Fordy
27 Oct 2016

Danny Wallace on a case of mistaken identity at the supermarket

26 Oct 2016

There's an adult-sized version of the toy car we all had

Forget your Ferarris, this is where it's at

by Dave Fawbert
25 Oct 2016

Obama just obliterated Trump On Jimmy Kimmel's 'Mean Tweets'

The bewigged one just got served

by Joe Ellison
25 Oct 2016

Stephen King teased Donald Trump story and Twitter reacted wonderfully

We can't think of many scarier things than this man as President

by Tom Fordy
24 Oct 2016

This American listed everything we Brits do better than our US cousins

Including cheese, sarcasm and knowing which bit of your body to hit a ball with

by Tom Fordy
24 Oct 2016

Scientists claim they've solved the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle

About bloody time

by Tristan Cross
24 Oct 2016

The world's top male escort answered a bunch of insightful questions

Everything you've ever wanted to ask, answered in explicit detail. NSFW

24 Oct 2016