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The Twitter Index

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Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)

July 26th

Falling: "Annoying Facebook friends"

There's always been a tension between people who like Twitter more than Facebook, and those who like Facebook more than Twitter. I'm generally gadding about in the former camp: But there are, of course, people who feel differently: There's a saying, isn't there, that you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your friends' friends. However, when you see the amount of complaining that goes on on Twitter about idiocy amongst people's friends on Facebook, you wonder if said friends have actually been imposed by social media police as some kind of punishment. The brow-furrowing thing about Twitter-venting about how annoying Facebook friends are is that Twitter is public and Facebook usually isn't. It's like wandering around your local town centre with a billboard that says "I Have Made Some Poor Choices During My Time Spent In A Rather Testing Social Media Landscape."
Anyway, the most regular slagger-off of his or her own Facebook friends is @FBMeltdown, whose social circle provides illuminating insight into the worlds of a group of people who either can't spell or have dubious attitudes to race, parenting etc. Every time a new tweet is posted, you think "Man alive, just back away, unfriend, uncouple yourself from all this." But then you think "But having said that, it's a rich source of eye-opening material and I suppose you've got nearly 20,000 followers on Twitter, so whatever."


July 24th

Rising: Christmas

Christmas is trending in the UK right now, in the hottest week of the year. I can't explain why. It just is. Some people aren't sure what date it is. This lot shout "Happy New Year" on April 11th and are celebrating VE Day a week next Thursday. Some people are impatient. These people have a 365-door Advent calendar and spend the majority of their free time shaking festive snowglobes. Some people are over-organised verging on having OCD – either that or they're deploying sarcasm in a manner guaranteed to elicit replies along the lines of "WTF?" Some people are wistfully nostalgic: And others are just greedy bastards.


July 22nd

Rising: People hating their freckles

Freckles. (Warning: by the end of this post, the word "freckles" will start looking weird.) Freckles. Unremarkable clusters of concentrated melanin which are most often visible on people with a fair complexion (thanks, Wikipedia), or a hideous blight upon the faces of Caucasians? Well, Twitter reveals that there's a lot of hate for freckles out there, specifically emanating from girls / women, and specifically directed back at their own freckles. Twitter averages about seven complaints an hour about freckles, moving up to around eight or nine in warm weather. These statistics have, thus far, gone unreported by the mainstream media, and you should be bloody grateful that I'm highlighting them for you right now. Fascinatingly – although, ultimately, you'll be the judge of that – 100% of this frecklehate is down to self-loathing. All of it. I just scoured Twitter for any mention of anyone saying "I hate your freckles", and I only found this tweet, and she's being sarcastic. The lesson? Freckles are OK. They're fine. No-one else dislikes your freckles. Only you! Reassess your freckles, like these people:


July 19th

Rising: People losing things

People lose stuff all the time. They had that thing a bit earlier, but now they’ve forgotten where they put it. All the below have gone missing today; all these objects have vanished into a vortex of undiscoverability, a swirling mass of keys, phones and, uh, resistance bands. The irony is, of course, that these people have chosen to spend time telling us that they can’t find something rather than spend that time looking for it. It’s vaguely similar to when people scream at other people to stop making such a bloody noise. It’s not as if we’re actually able to help via broadband over a distance of several thousand miles, although you could always ask the obvious question: But it’s probably best to just let them get it out of their system. You might be wondering at this point what the final noun of this week’s Twitter Index will be. Well, it’s driving moccasins.



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