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Shaquille O'Neal is the latest star to be totally convinced that the Earth is flat

shaq.jpg

Finally, finally, Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal has come out and said it. Not afraid of ridicule or judgement, Shaq has stood up to the haters, those globe-peddling shit-munchers, and revealed that he believes that the Earth is flat. He revealed his brave stance on The Big Podcast with Shaq, which, from now on, is where I shall get all my news. 

Here’s what he said (fucking strap yourself in, this is great):

“It’s true. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. Yes, it is. Listen, there are three ways to manipulate the mind — what you read, what you see and what you hear. In school, first thing they teach us is, ‘Oh, Columbus discovered America’, but when he got there, there were some fair-skinned people with the long hair smoking on the peace pipes. So, what does that tell you? Columbus didn’t discover America. So, listen, I drive from coast to coast, and this shit is flat to me. I’m just saying. I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it’s flat to me. I do not go up and down at a 360-degree angle, and all that stuff about gravity, have you looked outside Atlanta lately and seen all these buildings? You mean to tell me that China is under us? China is under us? It’s not. The world is flat.”

Here are four things you cannot argue with:

  1. When Shaq is driving from coast to coast, that shit is flat to him.
  2. When Shaq is driving from coast to coast, he is not going up and down at a 360-degree angle.
  3. You can look outside when in Atlanta and see some buildings. 
  4. China is not under us.

Maybe Shaq’s got a point – with water-tight reasoning like that it’s hard not to get swept up in the whole thing. If the world was indeed round, we’d all be driving up and down at a 360-degree angle – it would be chaos. And all that stuff about gravity? Buildings outside? Obviously the world is flat.

Kyrie Irving

Kyrie Irving, probably wondering whether the basketball he's playing with is flat

Thankfully, Shaq’s got a sick band of ball-dribbling flat Earth truthers to back him up. Only last month, professional basketball player Kyrie Irving came out and blasted a couple of woke realisms for us sheep:

“For what I’ve known for many years and what I’ve been taught is that the Earth is round, but if you really think about it from a landscape of the way we travel, the way we move and the fact that — can you really think of us rotating around the sun, and all planets align, rotating in specific dates, being perpendicular with what’s going on with these ‘planets’ and stuff like this.”

Just to reiterate:

“Can you really think of us rotating around the sun, and all planets align, rotating in specific dates, being perpendicular with what’s going on with these ‘planets’ and stuff like this.”

I, for one, certainly cannot think of myself rotating around the sun, and all planets align, rotating in specific dates, being perpendicular with what’s going on with these ‘planets’ and stuff like this. So I can see where he’s coming from with this theory.

Wake up, people – everything you’ve been told is a lie. Shaq knows what’s going down, and it’s certainly not him, at a 360-degree angle.

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