Look at this photo. There’s a lot to unpack.
I mean these are humans, in 2016. Well, most of them are, I think. There’s a lot that’s been said about Donald Trump over the last few days now he’s president of the United States, cos you know, it’s batshit crazy that he is and everything. But such is the force of his exalted demagogue status and perhaps also because he looks really ugly if we’re honest with ourselves, sometimes people forget that he has a family. Quite a big one too, so basically he’s had sex loads and loads of times. Donald Trump, ploughing away, perhaps perspiring orange sweat. That’s happened, you can’t unthink it, the imagery is with you for life.
Moving swiftly on, we thought it might be a bit pertinent to have a little think about all of these people that Trump surrounds himself with. You know that phrase ‘Behind every man there’s an even greater woman’, well that doesn’t apply here because Donald Trump isn’t great, but he does have a whole load of people behind him, so, starting from left to right, let’s have a look at these gurning acolytes of the new leader of the free world.
TIFFANY TRUMP, 23
Fair play to Tiff here, she comes across as pretty much one of the only normal looking people in the Trump family. She is actually the offspring of Donald and an American actress Marla Maples, who Trump had an affair and then subsequent six year marriage with in the 90s. Tiffany released a song called ‘Like A Bird’ in 2014, so I guess you could say her job is singer, but mainly she just has loads of followers on social media so maybe you could just call her an ‘Internet Personality’, which is just as bad as it sounds really. Fun fact, she was named after the jewellery company Tiffany's!
DONALD TRUMP JR, 38
This guy has a gurn on his face here that screams ‘Please stop this ride, I feel sick, I want to get off’. This guy is actually Donald Trump Jr, the child of another failed Donald Trump Sr marriage, to Ivana Trump, who also accused Donald Trump Sr of raping her, so that’s probably why there are quite a lot of stories around of how much Donald Trump Jr actually fucking hates his dad, kind of like the rest of us. Saying that, he’s still Executive Vice President of his dad’s company The Trump Organization, but then a man’s gotta eat right? Even if it is out of the palm of the tiny orange palm of his crazy father.
KAI MADISON, 9
Kai is undoubtedly the most adorable thing about this whole photo. She is a tiny ray of light in what is quite a bleak and unforgiving picture. She is the daughter of Donald Trump Jr and his wife, model Vanessa Kay Haydon. Recently she turned nine, and celebrated by having a make-your-own ice cream party, which thankfully wasn’t attended by her Grandad, so everyone probably had a really great time.
MELANIA TRUMP, 46
Let’s not beat around the bush here, Melania Trump is a stunningly beautiful woman. She was a former model after all, which makes the question of why she is married to Donald even more perplexing, but then what do I know, I’ve been single for two years with no end in sight. She was recently absolutely pasted in the press for copying Michelle Obama’s speech pretty much word for word at a recent Trump election rally, which her speech writer didn’t even get fired for. Anyway, she’s now the first lady of America, and there is absolutely no way she can top how amazing Michelle Obama has been, so that’s a bummer.
DONALD TRUMP, 70
The big cheese. The main man. The guy whose white blond hair only serves to accentuate his orange pallor. To be fair to Trump, the dude is 70 years old and still looks in relatively good condition for a man of that age, and certainly has enough energetic anger for a man half his age. In this picture big DT is smiling so hard that you literally cannot see his eyes, they’ve just become apart of the wrinkled furniture that is his face. A face that you will now be seeing for at least four years as the president of the United States Of America. God bless democracy!
DONALD TRUMP III, 7
I pity this child for many reasons. In this picture he looks terrified for a start. Secondly he is being gripped by the hands of Donald Trump, and who knows where they have been. Thirdly, he is literally the third in the trilogy of Donald Trumps, and can you remember the third part of a trilogy that was any good? Return Of The Jedi was alright I guess but wasn’t as good as the first two, and the less said about the third Godfather installment the better. Donald Trump Jr has literally made his own son into a walking version of Back To The Future III, which as everyone knows was the worst of all the Back To The Futures. Imagine living with that burden, poor little dude.
IVANKA TRUMP, 35
Ivanka has a look on her face in this picture that says ‘Shit, did I leave the oven on? Fuck I wonder if I locked the door. God I hope my house isn’t burning down’. She is the second offspring of Donald Trump and Ivana, and, like her brother, is also helping run daddy’s business, but before that she had been a model for the likes of Versace and Tommy Hilfiger. It seems that the whole of the Trump family are either models or rich businessmen, which I guess is a perfect summary of what America wants from its first family.
ERIC TRUMP, 32
The third child of Ivana and Donald, Eric actually seems like kind of a nice guy, if his charity work is anything to go by, as he has started the Eric Trump Foundation, which raises money for St Jude’s Research Hospital. Which sounds really nice, so it’s a shame that he literally looks like a supervillain who is quietly pleased with himself that he has acquired weapons of mass destruction and is now hatching his evil masterplan to destroy the world. Kind of like his dad in that respect really.
BARRON TRUMP, 10
Barron Trump is the only son from Melenia and Donald Trump's marriage, who rarely makes public appearances, but boy when he does he really makes a scene. At his dad's recent presidential acceptance speech, he was seen yawning behind his dad, then looking shocked when people started booing Obama. Kind of almost like the rest of America were doing I guess. Trump's fifth child is one of the youngest offspring of a presidential elect in recent history, with only Sasha Obama beating him by three years when Obama took office.
Words: Tom Usher