Believe it or not, drug use is a practice that dates all the way back to prehistoric times. Archaeological evidence suggests that humans have been getting mashed out of their tiny little minds for the last 10,000 years. Basically, your evolutionary process may not have taken quite so long if you lot hadn’t spent quite so much time sitting around naked in caves and hallucinating about giant, golden mammoths made of wind.
However, this relationship with narcotics isn’t strictly limited to humans. A number of animals consume various psychoavtive plants, other animals, berries and even fermented fruit in order to start seeing sounds and hearing colours.
It probably won’t come as any surprise to anyone to learn that being an animal is an absolute bloody nightmare. Your average urban beast will usually spend the entire day covered in rain, eating d*cks and b*llocks and narrowly avoiding being bummed and murdered every couple of hours before plodding off back to their filthy, muddy pit to spend the rest of the evening crying and sh*tting at the same time. The entire thing’s about as much fun as eating soil.
Everyone needs a pick-me-up every now and again and the options available to us all are vast. From a glass of red wine in the evening to an intravenous skag hit behind the bins, the drugs menu is a vast spectrum of strengths and flavours with new ones being created every day. And guess what? We’ve come up with a few that you probably haven’t even heard of. Keep your eyes peeled for these cheeky little customers.
ALIAS – Quack, Daffy,
WHAT IS IT? – My mate Double Denim David invented this. It basically consists of licking a duck’s eyes. (It works best if the duck is elderly).
EFFECTS – Gives you an erection. Also makes your head feel like it’s full of mice. It’s pretty good stuff.
ALIAS – Ian, Bingo Biscuits
WHAT IS IT? – Not sure. Found it in a tub inside Ian Botham’s garage in Hoxton. It’s white. It looks a bit like emulsion paint. That might actually be what it is to be honest.
EFFECTS – Pretty heavy stuff. Me and my mate Vile Clive did this last week. You snort it. It makes you travel through time. I got so wasted that I started hallucinating. I had a dream that me and Pat Sharp started a long distance lorry driving service. It was off the hook. (When I woke up all my claws had fallen out, which is a downside).
ALIAS – Pete, The Stench, Funky P
WHAT IS IT? – I found this in a toilet near Kings Cross. It’s not very nice. It’s like some sort of revolting clay.
EFFECTS – No effects really. Made me a bit giddy I suppose. Just made me feel sick more than anything. I spent the evening vomiting out of my nose whilst weeping and shuddering in the fetal position. Not sure this was a drug actually. Not sure at all.
ALIAS – Louse, Cheese, Bongo Biscuits
WHAT IS IT? – Wood lice.
EFFECTS – Can’t champion this enough. I know drugs are bad but you have to try this. Stick a few wood lice up your
a*se. It’ll change your life. Magical stuff.
ALIAS – The Hump, Kicks, Corden
WHAT IS IT? – This is pretty popular in the fox community. It basically consists of drinking Castrol GTX. You can find it in most garages. It tastes like the end of the world.
EFFECTS – Great stuff. My mate Glen Cake did this a few days ago and got so wasted that he ate his own legs before trying to climb inside his own mind. Not long after that he got the Rizzle Kicks (a sort of convulsive fit) and died. It’s a great drug. Great fun. You die about 70% of the time though, which is a bit of a nuisance. Last time I did it my eyes went black and Des Lynam ordered me to start a war on PC World. I certainly had a funny five minutes.
(Images: Rex Features)