Hairiest rock bands ever

The 80s were a special time, what with ankle warmers, Thatcher, and the Iran-Iraq war, but some leftovers have been unfairly consigned to the uncool bin. In the '80s revival it was all Human League and hoop earrings, but where were the hair metallers? Our finest inheritance from the 80s, beating even the mighty Game Boy, and yet they are all but forgotten outside wedding discos and irony-drenched student nights.

This loss must be restored - can you a imagine a world where children grow up without a working knowledge of men with ridiculous hair over-emoting in spandex trousers? Do you want to? The fightback starts now!



Europe

With lead singer Joey Tempest the most beautiful man who has ever drawn breath, Europe couldn’t really go wrong. With tunes like The Final Countdown in the paddock, history beckoned: the live clip below is hair metal in apotheosis. The hair, the gurning, the twirls, the passion: this, truly, is music. Or would you prefer someone glum behind a keyboard?

Van Halen

Fun fact: a San Francisco policeman was once sacked for playing these heroes’ tune Jump to a man threatening suicide from a 12th floor window. Irresponsible? Yes, but such needless tomfoolery shouldn’t distract us from the sheer quality of these men’s music and, yes, barnets. Special marks for the scissor kicks, too: if you google ‘eighties,’ it should just go direct to this video.

Def Leppard

Def Leppard’s drum sound is so immense that vulnerable fans’ heads have been known to explode due to the terrifying frequencies it sends coursing through the air. That’s not true, but it should be.

Aerosmith

OK, Steve Tyler may look like a hundred-year-old drag queen, but his outfits are living reminders of the glorious pre-Cobain era when rock was, you know, fun. What band today would have two copulating trucks on an album cover? And they talk about progress.

Bon Jovi

The obligatory power ballad, from the specialists in the field. Always has more emotional trauma wrapped in its notes than most bereavements - if you don’t get goosebumps during this, you’re either too drenched in irony to enjoy you life, or made of tin. Not also JBJ’s hairband- a hair metal staple he made his own.

Spinal Tap

OK, they may be fictional, but they do sum up everything there is to say about this fertile musical subgenre. Europe and Van Halen may be loud, but can they go to eleven?